By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 06:46PM | Sat, December 17th | 2011
Subject: Not So Holy Day
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated & upset frustrated & upset
Tags:about family, fail fail everywhere, things that suck, willow's warren

At 3:50am this morning, I heard a man shouting upstairs. TL:DR decided not to call the police, after checking it wasn't already the police - because domestic squabbles can be messy and I was afraid for the children. But I did stay up, listening, in case things changed and I had to. Turns out I wasn't hearing everything as much as I thought through the vents. And things were so bad, the upstair's neighbour's young teenage son ran away from home. She was frantic looking for him near 10:30am today. I'm praying and hoping they found him, or he got his arse back home. The neighbour says if I ever hear her raising her voice, call for help. I honestly... I did honestly worry things would get worse. I'm not sure she'll understand that fact. But....

And my brother just called me, to say my stepfather is playing the fool about getting the dog to the vet; and it's had rat poison. I had decided to wait until Christmas, to see if the Dog's Christmas present would be a doghouse so the dog would be safe from authorities worried about. I never stopped to consider that the news he told me, was news that could stir a vengeful neighbour to possibly throw rat poison over the fence. The first dog my siblings ever had? It died, from a neighbour throwing rat poison over the fence (different neighbour, different house). But still.

I cannot believe my stepfather is running around trying to get activated charcoal and NOT also calling a vet. My brother looked up on his phone that things were more complicated than getting the dog to throw up, or getting the poison absorbed. They are, it's about vitamin K and internal bleeding and it's XMAS. Just go to the vet and spend the damn money. How you gonna let the children's dog die for stinginess on XMAS? As if they give a damn about presents, if their pet dies.

For myself, yesterday I bought something from Walgreen's, then forgot it there. I called. They were to hold it for me to get there today. Hopefully it's still being held and I can pick it up tomorrow. Cause I ended up crashing so damn heard at noon. I also did early morning cooking to keep me busy while I was waiting out the noise upstairs and thus was physically exhausted too.

It's absolutely self indulgent and selfish - but when I think of the trouble i went to this month, to get gifts, specific type gifts, for all my siblings AND my mother - cause this year has been so stressful for them.... The gifts I got? Cannot, CANNOT alleviate the OMGWTFPAINSORROW of losing yet another pet, in a similar manner due to my stepfather's selfishness.

I can't get my mom on the phone. And I begin to think the situation is more complicated than even my brother knows. Cause I called my sister, thinking my mother might be with her, and it seems likely my sister is at the mall, keeping my littlest brother occupied while all this is going on. I can't even.

Cannot. even.

And please, this is not a case of my being blithe about what finances and resources my family has. I know there are emergency funds, an emergency credit card and practically? For the sake of the kids? Their paternal grandmother would pay the damn vet bill, if it came to that. Heck, I would contribute what little funds I have - cause it's family.

I can't even. Really can't even. And I'm just... I am now more glad I won't be there. Because I could not handle, once again, being a living present, to make up for the shit going on in that house. It's exhausting.


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Date: 05:35AM | Sun, March 20th | 2011
Subject: Weekend of Pain Not Over Yet
Security: Public
Mood:- middle fingering the world - middle fingering the world
Tags:things that hurt, things that suck

So, I went to sleep early due to horrid eye throbbing headache, woke up early and tried to get myself something to eat. Managed to pour hot water, accidentally, all over two of my fingers, because I did not realize my hand was not awake/not feeling corporative. It's like since Thursday the universe has been reminding me 'Y'know how you worry so much about your mental stuff? Well, you've got physical stuff too! Hello!'

Have toothpaste on the burnt/boiled fingers. Does anyone recc anything else? I'm really not liking this residual burn-tingle that's going on.

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Date: 10:19PM | Mon, January 24th | 2011
Subject: Well Crap (Being Human - Maple!Version)
Security: Public
Tags:*sigh*, things that suck, tv

I got bored by 15 minutes in and had to force myself to keep watching. I guess that's the thing about pilots; they're like infants, and seeds and other beginnings, full of potential. This second episode felt like 12 years has passed, and what I had now was some proto-typical teenager from whom I was secretly begging the universe to prove to me had some sort of depth.

Spoilers )

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Date: 02:10PM | Wed, January 5th | 2011
Subject: Post: From This Morning
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues: mental health, things that suck, thinky thoughts

Hmnm, apparently I can be very house aware when avoiding making phone calls to potentially rude or non understanding people. Especially since lately I've been having trouble with phones. I'm not sure if I just need a better phone than the cheap one I've got (landline phone) or if there's something actually wrong with my hearing or if I'm simply having lots more difficulty than I used to in parsing dialects and accents or what. I keep asking people to repeat themselves (to me it sounds as if they're all singing American pop songs).

So far for the year, I've bumped my leg, trying to deal with my bed (I still need a new one) so I've this odd lump just above my ankle, low on my shin, and well, it hurts to poke at it. And I keep poking it because it looks so darn odd, like a tiny squished egg under the skin. I've also a loud of laundry out, dirty clothes sorted to be put in the machine, am on my second dishwasher load and am contemplating sweeping the kitchen floor at some point. At this rate of avoidance (after Mon's very inspirational 2 hrs and change of many many phone calls), the kitchen (and perhaps even the darn apt) will be sparkling, clorox spotless before the end of the month. Yesterday was litter changing, trash and recycle taking out-ing, some light vaccuming, dishwasher loading and I'm sure I'm forgetting someting.

I'm not holding my breath though.

And more... )

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Date: 08:55AM | Wed, November 10th | 2010
Subject: Crap On A Stick - W/ Spam Sprinkles
Security: Public
Tags:online: journaling systems, things that suck

The following are spam accounts:

ban_set kelinaly

ban_set keloyulin

ban_set hunakly

ban_set injb

ban_set fouse

ban_set kekeyun

ban_set yuhuhu

ban_set gdgs

ban_set fyua

All these spam, accounts have this address on their profile:

I keep reporting them to iJay abuse and nothing happens. And there's no way to properly report the email address to gmail (and really it should be iJay support doing so, because they'd have the right proof that someone inputting that address for accounts to be used for spam).

I keep fighting it. But aside from having someone who's actually supposed to be in charge of upkeep (instead of there being no one at all and various volunteers w/ not the right access), iJay's begun to remind me a lot of Greatestjournal.

Now, I liked Greatestjournal. It was a good place for RP. I was part of a different kind of community there and I made friends and got involved in all sorts of stuff. But we all know what happened to GJ. And this month iJay's going to have a 'Black Friday' sale, NOT for discounted paid accounts, but once again for permanent accounts. And I just sigh. I really do sigh.

Especially because DW continues to not feel like 'home', for me, for oh so many reasons (which I find bloody frustrating).

[Note: iJay's Admin Console]

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Date: 02:23PM | Sat, September 18th | 2010
Subject: Self Recognition
Security: Public
Tags:about me, coping = undervalued skill, multiple me, my brains ain't what you think, things that suck

Today I got up, and after about fifteen to twenty minutes got the gist of something I wanted to use, was able to decide I didn't need certain features, picked the part I liked the most and inputted data.

Yesterday I spent ALL DAY trying to get the self same information manager to work, explain itself to me, personalize itself and went to bed frustrated. I also had trouble spelling simple words, typing and just dealing with things in general.

If life wanted to remind me, sharply, how much my cognitive ability can differ on the day to day, yesterday did it. I could absolutely think in the abstract, but practicality and implementation illuded me. And I need to remember this for all those times I'm on fire one day with my writing and the next I can't seem to put two words together. The challenge is more than being able to live my life functionality (in a world built for and catering to the mononeurotypical - and seem just like them), it's remembering my difference and finding ways to cope with it.

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Date: 01:29AM | Wed, July 14th | 2010
Subject: On Books (plus a list)
Security: Public
Mood:glass is half empty glass is half empty
Tags:books, making a list - checking it twice, things i like, things i loathe, things that suck

What is it about ebook borrowing/sharing that makes it easier for me to read some things than to go into the library and pick it up? Is it that the physical act of being in the library is my safe space so picking up something potentially hurtful seems a broader poisoning than knowing I can delete right off my harddrive forever? Does my subconscious feel more buffer?

Meanwhile, a friend's asked (a good week or so ago when I started this) for a list of things I enjoy reading - but right now all I can think of are what I dislike. So I'm going to do that list first and hope it helps me pinpoint what I do love.

Ugh List )
Possible Whee List )

[Have had this open for a day now and can't think of anything else for the whee pile. And waiting is likely to mean this never gets posted and it was originally about the ick anyway... so...]

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Date: 07:19PM | Sun, July 4th | 2010
Subject: Signal Boost: Fandom Is Still Full Of Self Wanking Selfish F*ckers
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, fandom: culture, things that suck, wth?

Despite the conversations going on in the last month and a half ... someone decides to do a bandom concentration camp h/c-bingo fic, with an image of gates. The gates. That iconic image of Auschwitz's gates. Yes. With notes of: Frank and Gerard are two American soldiers in WWII, captured by the Nazi’s and taken to a concentration camp for homosexuals.

I am no expert on WW2 and the camps. But I can count three things wrong with that sentence.

So here's my thought. Fandom is full of white entitled, currently able bodied, UScentric assholes who don't listen, don't read, don't want to learn and don't give a damn as long as two white men can fuck somewhere.

PS: Don't believe me? Here's the warnings for said fic:
Beating, abuse, non important character death, scientific experiments, starvation, physical and emotional damage.

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Date: 10:24AM | Mon, June 14th | 2010
Subject: Wherein I use the term BITCH
Security: Public
Tags::( frowny face, feeling: anxiety, feeling: highly upset, things that suck

So here I am in the library while Bitchzilla from last year (why is there stuff on your counters, how could you still need to unpack after almost a year, cats are unclean, blah blah) is doing her 'inspection'. Y'know, the simple 'this house still qualifies as multiresidence' but which because judgement day on how a chronically ill person keeps house.

I forgot to bring water - because I was so nervous. Woke up an hour earlier than I had to. Got the cat squared away early. Was too jumpy to eat much of anything. Had to wait in the sun for 20 minutes because the library hours have changed again (budget cuts are evil).

It keeps feeling like something monumentous should be going on and the whole world should know I'm trying my best to stay calm and not freak the hell out. I had had plans (made weeks ago when I came up with leaving the house so I don't freak out and possibly murder someone and die of panic) of treating myself to lunch. But I just want to go home now - I feel ousted from my home.

Don't want to shop. Don't want to go to a restaurant. Just want it all to be over and be able to curl up in my HOME. The library's screen settings are weird, the keyboard placement is weird, the mouse settings are weird (I've become accustomed to button purpose being reversed). Ugh.

I started this post on DW and then c/p-ed it here. I'm still tied up in knots about where I post and don't need the extra aggitation.

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Date: 02:52AM | Mon, August 10th | 2009
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: visual media, things that hurt, things that suck

Percy Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightening Thief

It's going to be a movie. The trailer's out. It's set for 2010. I liked the first book and the only reason I haven't read the fourth is because I tried to get the audio tape version but simply loathed the voice narrator. So I've got to remember to borrow it to read. Series hasn't been bad.

But - at the same time? It's depressing as hell. I like the series because it mentions that there are Children of Colour/Non White Children who are also descendants of the gods of olympus. I... am less than assured such will be possible in a Hollywood made movie. Also, it's this sucking wound kind of thing of seeing yet another possible franchise roll out to scoop up the attention of a particular age group and grow with them and well, it's catering to white = default.

Sucking wound.

I suppose I'd have known of this sooner if I watched television these days. On the other hand, I'm undoubtedly missing a lot of 'IN YOUR FACE, YOU ARE INVISIBLE' bs on tv. So yeah.

Just... where is it, y'know? Are we going to have to wait for Tyler Perry to decide he wants to make something focusing on fantasy and kids?

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Date: 06:38PM | Thu, July 23rd | 2009
Subject: A little thing with far reaching consequences
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:about keeping house, about me, things that suck, thinky thoughts

The place I buy my Indian Take-out/Delivery from has raised prices. Actually checking flyers left in mailboxes recently, everyone has raised prices. Mainly an extra dollar per item. But the Indian place added credit card surcharge. And then a gas surchage last summer and now everything's raised a dollar. Which means in order for them to make ends meet, they're charging me 4 extra dollars, half of which is for stuff that's not food.

And on top of that, my meal came in a smaller container.

And the rice, which used to come with peas and carrots mixed in, or with raisins, is now plain.

And there are maybe five pieces of lamb in my vindaloo. (that's about half as much as there used to be)

This is not good )

Sitting waiting for the bus yesterday, I got to talking with an older woman there. Possibly in her sixties, though she did not look it. She talked about how within her lifetime, she'd not grown up with things saying 'Made In The USA'. That she knew about Taiwain and China as places that made things to be sold. And more recently Sri Lanka.

She said the first time she saw that on clothing, she went to the library and asked for a map to look up where it was, because she'd never heard of the place before. Though she took a wild guess that it'd probably be in Asia.

She sighed. She said that the US has become a service oriented society and that's not what's going to bump us out of the Recession/Depression. 'We', she said, need to actually make things, that other people want and then sell them.

I found myself thinking of the Caribbean then. And Tourism. And how that is a service oriented industry and how that leaves you incredibly dependent on other people deciding to spend money on a luxury. I can't imagine the US waiting around for other people to decide to spend money on some service the US has to offer (and I can't even think of one right now). I also found myself thinking of Japan and having a refreshed appreciation for how hard that country worked, the people of Japan worked, to make the country an Empire again. And it is an industrial technology Empire. I found myself thinking of Germany and what the phrase 'German Engineering' has come to mean.

And then I ended up thinking of the USA and Capitalism and the Consumer Driven Economy where short usability is built into darn near everything. Engineering and construction has a finite term, and warranties are often useless pieces of paper, and things are often set up to make it easier to buy a new one, than repair an old one.

Gold on the outside, hollow on the inside.

Can't get the phrase out of my head.

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Date: 11:23AM | Fri, July 17th | 2009
Subject: Letter To An Inconsiderate Ingrate
Security: Public
Mood:annoyed annoyed
Tags:things i loathe, things that suck, wth?

Dear Mr. Man In The Blue Car,

Why you acting so surprised that your music is LOUD? You know it's loud. When I came up to ask you to turn it down - you had to automatically turn it down just to hear what I had to say. Why is it so surprising that 'Oh, you can hear it in your house?' Why yes, loud music extends beyond the speakers right in front of you. Sound waves travel. Come on now, you don't even need to go to highschool to know this stuff. It's applied physics. Unless playing all that loud music all the time has damaged your hearing and you have no concept of loudness anymore.

Either way, no, I do not want an impromptu M.Jackson concert coming in through my closed bedroom window and waking myself up. You won't be getting any money from me and yes, you should feel hell of guilty you made the woman with the cane limp her self out to your car, parked across the damn street, to tell you to SHUT YOUR NOISE UP.

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Date: 11:19AM | Mon, July 6th | 2009
Subject: Monday *stab stab stab*
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:#s is for survivor, former roomate/boston wife, i will cut somebody, things that suck

Day so far.

1. Get up, read flist, see the word 'remix' and have it actually log into my brain.

2. Go to Zvi's website, can't find anything, remember she moved it all to AO3.

3. Go to AO3 thinking to peruse the list and see if there's the slightest thing I might be able to handle to remix for her for traditions and love's sake and as a round about 'we're cool now'.

4. Run smack into 'Choose Not To Warn' and realize I cannot read a single one of her fics in order to remix anything for her the way I have in the past.

5. Get upset and angrier; at Zvi, and at circumstances. (Though really she made a decision to choose not to warn, that that affects an aspect of our relationship is secondary. )

6. Get triggered by my own anger at feeling this upset over someone I consider(ed) close.

7. Give up completely on a DW reading list. Say 'Suck it World. Suck it Zvi!' and go find something soothing to watch/rewatch. Hopefully with breakfast.

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Date: 05:31PM | Wed, July 1st | 2009
Subject: So... Alien Nation + Necrophilia
Security: Public
Tags:honkywoodshines, show: alien nation (90's)*, things i loathe, things that suck

Apparently ScyFy (is that how they're spelling it these days?) - look , the damn Sci Fi channel is looking to remake Alien Nation. A friend kind heartedly told me this, not realizing it'd give me an instant head and heart ache.

Everything I've come to know about the original tv series, is that it was thoughtfully done, because of the Producer. Kenneth Johnson made Alien Nation what it was. He saw, In The Heat Of The Night and not Lethal Weapon with Aliens. And quite frankly, I am fucking horrified at what Tim Minear would do to the product.

I want to cry. Fuck that, I am crying.

Talking about Battlestar Galatica does not give hope. Especially not with Tim Minear - and yes, I know there are old Buffy and Angel fans who want to lick his craphole and worship him in a side altar beside Joss's mongo cocksuck extravaganza. And I'm betting they will want to stab me through the eyeball. But I don't care. What he brought to the shows you liked, was a hell of a lot of whiteness and privilege and just...

You want a fight with me about how bad I think his version of Alien Nation will suck? I will argue with you until you dread the sound of my name typed online.

Hollywood hasn't gotten LESS racist in the past couple of decades. Only more willfully overflowing with white privilege.

I only just confirmed this childhood favourite as something that fed my soul. And now this. Seriously, I do not want to compare how badly the new show will compare when it comes to race and minority issues. Because damn near everything has gone 'post-racial' and further buried it's head in the sand.



FIREFLY with the lack of ASIANS? And what? Two mofo-ing black folks with lines and look wtf happened to them. LA with the lack of hispanic and black people.

Alien Nation dealt with Ageism, Sexuality, Race, Privilege, Minority Politics, Amendments to America's Constitution fo Newcomers could have the right to vote, Slavery, Free Will, The Importance Of History - it's a big fucking list.

Do you remember 'The Inside'? The man's even fucking worked on Dollhouse.

And all I can think about is fucking slash fandom and all the fuck they'll do to Susan and George, on top of the crap the producers will be doing to the universe and the characters. There were more minorities as extras and minor characters, in a single episode of the Original Alien Nation sometimes than appear in whole fucking SEASONS of many contemporary genre shows. And that was done ON PURPOSE! As was showing a wide variation on who was a Purist.

There was thought in this show.

Just - I've never wanted a studio to burn the hell down so badly in my life.

Do not console me. Do not even comment unless you are pissed off, or you can agree that my anger and upset is valid. Do not try to tell me that Minear tries. Do not try to tell me that the SciFuckingFi Channel will be respectful because look at BSG. You fucking look at Battlestar Galactica, with minority characters getting threatened with rape while pregnant, and being mystical negroes who die, or the obstruction to the 'real love story' wife who blows her fucking brains out. Do not fucking tell me look at BSG, when lesbians are evil spies, also left to be raped and tortured, and so wrapped up vendetta's they crack crooked.

Do not tell me in this fucking age of tittilation there will be -respectful- reinterpretation of the Binamum. Or respectful treatment of minority characters getting involved in street drugs. Do not tell me Uncle Moodri won't turn into some mystical magical alien, instead of an ELDER. Because I've -seen- the shit they put on tv. And how I have to bend and twist myself to try to watch it. And I don't -do- that anymore. No more bending. No more making excuses for. No more trying to imagine people like me hidden in the shadows.

Unless you love the show, and what it means for you as a minority STILL in media representation in 2009. Do not tell me to fucking -have- hope.

It's SciFi Channel, talking about BSG, which means thin, pretty white men and women and a conspiracy arc.

And no. I will not cut tag. Don't like it. Drop me.

ETA: "You can take (the original 'Alien Nation') a step forward and really do a show that encompasses the clash of civilizations, and the idea of a ghettoized minority," Minear said. "You can touch on racism, terrorism, assimilation, immigration. And there's room for satire."

Satire? Racism, Terriosim, assimilation and SATIRE. Fuck you VERY MUCH Tim Minear. 20 years later in the Pacific Northwest? Meaning cheap filming in 'Vancouver'? And 'SATIRE'.

I know I'm looking forward to the SATIRE on immigrant RELIGION among other things as their POPULATION SWELLS. I'm sure you'll have fun writing racist screeds to put in the mouths of purists.

ETA - 2: And of course the 'I trust in - insert white, het, cis male here- are commenting around to say maybe this new show will be less 'heavy handed with the racism' and be more 'scifi'. The SciFi Genre, Ladies and Gentleman. 2009. It was the year of ILLUMINATION.

ETA - 3 Let me just make this clear. The 20 years later? Is after the Tectonese ship crashes. It's not 20 years after The Udara Legacy. It's 'North African ghettos in France - With ALIENS' + terrorism, assimilation, immigration, racism and 'room for satire'. The first time I saw that line, I thought 'America's Effing Muslim Scare' and I'm not seeing anything to prove me wrong.

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Date: 08:38AM | Sun, June 7th | 2009
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:caribbean girl, things i loathe, things that suck

Watched Life and Debt.

Some I knew, mostly I didn't realize how much worse it got since I've not been doing anything to expose myself to Caribbean news. To say it hurt my heart would be an understatement.

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Date: 04:00AM | Sat, December 20th | 2008
Subject: Ugh
Security: Public
Tags:things that suck

Have just realized that copying 12th Kingdom to share with my brother might mean he has to watch it on his computer because I didn't realize that the DIVX wouldn't convert for playing on a DVD. And I think I could have downloaded for free a software program to do that a few days ago on giveaway - but I had no idea I needed it.

*frowny face*

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Date: 04:32PM | Fri, October 10th | 2008
Subject: Awwh man
Security: Public
Tags:online:life, things that suck, writing: authors, writing: me

One of my favourite fanfic writers got discovered by one of her students. So now of course things have been deleted and renamed but she's also going to go cold turkey on posting until 2009 and start up again with a whole new fannish name and a whole new site.

She's being incredibly responsible about it now, especially since it was a discovery of the fannish name, not of the fannish works (as yet). But she's still so bumed because, well, even though it was a random, easy choice, it's become her 'name'.

I'm gonna absolutely miss her writing over these next few weeks. Not only is she a writer I enjoy reading. But I love when something she writer moves me enough to comment and start up a conversation. Plus, she was one of my few links to a fandom where I don't interact with the source material anymore.

But, it's got me to thinking outloud, as it where since it's here in this journal, about something I've been thinking about for a long while. Which is the fact that when I start promoting my own work for publication (aren't I being positive? :)) I definitely need a pseud and it can in no way connect back to this journal or my old livejournal, or even, unfortunately, my comic blogger presence. It will have to be a completely new identity since so much of my life and family is wrapped up in this journal and despite the name change, the comic blog was once a linked livejournal so again - no big secret to who I am in that regard.

But, on the few occasions recently when I've realized I had readers I have gone 'Awwh man'. Because in this day and age, it can actually be a bit of a help to have 'readers' who might be interested in your other types of writing. And I've seen for myself how eagerly fandom backs 'one of their own'.

Still, I don't and won't regret this journal, no matter what happens in the future. It's just been too important to me to share with a potential audience of other DID diagnoses and suffers of chronic depression that they're not alone in the world.

PS: My current default icon comes the closest to the name I'd originally wanted all those many many years ago 'RedWillow'.

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Date: 12:36PM | Fri, August 29th | 2008
Subject: Memories
Security: Public
Tags::( frowny face, about friendship, gip, online: support network, things that suck, writing: me

There's nothing like the rain to get one depressed. Though part of it is that even my new regime can't much help two days of rain. But I'm not in agony and that's pretty damn cool.

Bad side?

Rain's made me curl up and read. One thing led to another and I came across a photograph of two actors which led me immediately to thinking of an old rp which lead me to thinking about the once_upon_a_friend. And now I hurt all over again. It's just so sad to read a time when you were so simpatico you made two character's believable; with chemistry and backstory and inner life and intensity (and given how often Actors on Film can get it wrong, that is saying a lot).

And now here I am having never heard back about feeling abandoned - thus making it official. And it makes the storyline I'm reading so achingly bitter sweet.

I wonder if that's part of my last few fears about writing - some confused tumble of emotions about how I might never be able to get 'THAT' again far less on my own. I suppose it's just a pall over a collaborative effort that had me trusting my writing so much.

BUT I'm well aware that I've not drifted away from everyone I've written with and they poke me and hug me and send me delightful cheering up / house warming gifts. So I do have perspective.

Still, it's one of those things where you see the perfect imagery and you just WANT to tell that particular person and it's not going to happen now.


I'll get over it. The sky's just grey today.

Oh. And GIP.

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Date: 12:47PM | Tue, August 26th | 2008
Subject: Fuck
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:errands: shopping, things that suck, when things fuck up

So next month, I need to remind myself to try Safeway. A friend even got me a grocery card there so I have no excuse. They didn't mess up my order 'too' badly this time from the grocery store/local store I'd been using (and had stopped using). They just got the weights wrong. So instead of 4 quarts of something, I got 4 12oz cans.

For. Real.

This is so frustrating.

I listened to Zvi about the fact that I'm likely cutting myself off from things and people who are likely to change by completely cutting out my grocery store. And I'd convinced myself they were doing better and that I should stick with them. But right now, fuck the price. What I want is GROCERIES without the hassle of having to go 'Well, I'll end up buying this and this and this during the month because they didn't have it'.

I can't believe they didn't give me all I wanted on my mango nectar and pulp. I was counting on this for my breakfasts. Now I'm gonna have to see about either another delivery, or going to the local place to the new apt and figuring out how to catch a cab or if I can handle being tired and carrying things in a bag.

Fuck damn these people are totally useless. Dented cans. Forgetting Meat. Wrong amounts of food. Forgetting fruit. Just wrong orders all the damn time. And totally incapable of figuring out something as simple as 'If there's not enough of this product, feel free to substitute with this other product'.

ETA: So they call me back to address my complaint and offer to run me out the 4 quarts I need, no delivery charge. Only the need my credit card. But the driver will be right back! So like a dope, I give it. It's been two hours. I'm exhausted. I want to crash. So far, no fucking delivery person. So much for admitting it was their mistake ,refunding what they did send me and getting me what I need near immediately.

ETA: 4pm, got my mango nectar - after a second phonecall. But just realized I got the wrong granola Almond instead of Pecan. Can you take unopened packages back to a different grocery store?

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Date: 11:33PM | Tue, August 12th | 2008
Subject: Perfect World Messes Up Again
Security: Public
Tags:game: perfect world, things that suck, wtf!!

1 - Contacted support for the second time.

2 - Recieved new password, logged into my account. There was yay and happy.

3 - Today a week later and realize I should change my password for security - what happens if someone hacks the forums? PM's aren't really private.

4 - Password cockup YET A FRICKING 'GAIN. This time with a helpful little support code number for when I speak to support.

The frustration I feel at not being able to do basics things with my account is slowly eating away any of my enjoyment of the pretty in PW. Hitting a strong number #3 on my wishes for the best game for me is an ability to access my account to change my bloody password or my chosen email without things cocking up like hell!

Also I've realized that Illydia's my fav character there cause she's gangly and not at all conventionally attractive in the slightest. Maybe I can recreate her somewhere that doesn't make me want to scream and shout!

Also Guild Wars is never getting a test from me unless I can faff about with it for free first. Cause after PW I'm not paying any money to these creations when I can so easily be locked out of my account. Just -no-. And I already loathe PlayNC.


There's a little gamer in me that I'm about to set on fire so I don't submit myself to this ridiculousness every couple of weeks.

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Date: 04:52PM | Thu, August 7th | 2008
Subject: Dear Google - You Either Die A Hero or Live To See Yourself Become The Villain.
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:online: journaling systems, technology, things that suck

Guess who's a villain?

I did a post to promote IBARW on my blog. My blog's been gone/inaccessible for going on nearly 2 days now. And my frustration about that is eating into any energy I might have had to do something original for IBARW.

This sucks.

I don't want to transfer to WordPress, it does too much of what I don't want and don't give a damn about and not enough of being easy to give me precisely what will make me happy.

I'm seriously contemplating moving my blog to iJay. [info]squeaky is responsibility, affability and just plain love.

I'm also thinking about buying a domain name for the blog, so no matter what, I can point the domain *somewhere* so I can leave a msg explaining if something goes wrong. Right now, no one knows why Seeking Avalon isn't showing up.

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Date: 05:20AM | Thu, August 7th | 2008
Subject: My response on finding this article about 'product placement'
Security: Public
Tags:things that suck, tv: eureka, watching: tv, wtf!!

Dear EUREKA, Screw You AND Die In Fire

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Date: 12:45PM | Wed, July 23rd | 2008
Subject: *stab the world*
Security: Public
Tags:therapy / therapy day, things that suck

Just cancelled therapy and I'm resentful because I don't have that much time left with my therapist. But I'm headachy, dizzy and nauseated and just got a nose bleed.

I wish the day could just start over. Did I get out of bed too fast? Was there something I could have done last night? My therapist thinks I might not be drinking enough water.

Eff damn. The downside of having an a/c?

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Date: 01:00AM | Fri, June 27th | 2008
Subject: Ugh
Security: Public
Mood:not satisfied not satisfied
Tags:online: culture, things that suck

It took me five minutes to download Vuze.

It took me before that, 30 mins to read the TOS.

It then took me a single minute to realize that I don't get to keep what I download and that they don't let you get to THOSE terms of service details until after you've installed the damn program. They made it difficult to find.

Anyway, guess I'll have to get Roswell Conspiracies some other way. Because the stupid program lagged in even letting me watch them online w/o downloading.

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Date: 11:05PM | Sat, June 21st | 2008
Subject: Pejorative Adjective Adverb Pejorative
Security: Public
Tags:fandom: is, things that suck

No mail.

Someone in HP fandom just managed to make the books extremely disgusting to me.

Waiting up for the mail, then crashing but never really resting/sleeping, then crashing again once I tried to get online resulted in me missing Fickle and not eating much of anything today - not really DOING much of anything today (besides putting the futon cover in the wash and scrubbing the mattress).


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Date: 04:39PM | Fri, June 20th | 2008
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:things that suck, wtf!!

This is why no one wants to use you.

Dear flist,

If you are sending me belated birthday gifts or a house warming present and have not put it in the mail yet. PLEASE put instructions on the package to ring twice and wait.

Someone's already sent me something (Thank you, Helecartos(?)) and the postman's been driving away in his fucking car by the time I get to the front door. Shouting 'Coming' doesn't seem to do jack. And seriously, I might be limping, but not THAT badly. If he's already pulling off in his car by the time I get to the front gate the concept of 'waiting for someone to open/unlock their front foor' is a concept USPS doesn't seem to have a fucking handle on.


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Date: 05:49PM | Tue, May 20th | 2008
Subject: Son of a ....
Security: Public
Tags:technology, things that suck, wtf!!

New program.

It tries to use something it's not supposed to. I say no. Not permanently, but for now. Next thing I know my current browser profile can't c onnect to the internet.

Ok, fine.

Delete delete delete commands. Reboot browser, accept. WTF ever. Except the first reboot doesn't take. So I have to close again. EXCEPT, firefox doesn't read the urls of tabs that don't load properly so I've FUCKING LOST THAT BROWSER SESSION FOREVER!

And firefox doesn't fucking save more than two sessions back.

SHIT FUCK DAMN, as if I need another reason to scream today.


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Date: 06:50PM | Mon, March 3rd | 2008
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:errands: shopping, things that suck

Just baked a potato. Opened it, and discovered it is NOT the yellow flesh Yukon I ordered. It's a white potato. Yellow flesh are higher in fiber and thus raise my blood sugar less.

Incredible fail on the part of the local delivery service because I was -very- specific on wanting only yellow flesh yukon potatoes.

I will be including this fail into my letter to the manager when I tell him why I will not be buying from his store again.

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Date: 03:07PM | Sat, March 1st | 2008
Subject: Hey you. Yeah, you software maker. Bite my flat black bum!
Security: Public
Mood:bitchy bitchy
Tags:getting older, technology, things that suck

I have episodes of something I want to put on disk. When I try, I'm told it's not in the right format. It's AVI.

And it apparently needs me to load extra stuff into a VOB folder.

Cue me going WTH???

So I try to see if I can back up the files as a SuperVideo CD. But that layout doesn't recognize I've got a dvd-rw in the tray and blocks me after one episode transfer.

Looking up AVI, I think, maybe, they want me to convert it to MPEG?

But the info there says it's time consuming. It also goes on and on about technical details of which I don't give a crap and don't want to have to wrap my mind around. I'm a simple little consumer and I want something on DVD. Why make it hard? If I want to spend three hours getting schooled on MPEG, formats, compression rates and the like - I'll take a class or something. With a teacher. Who'll teach. And of whom I can ask questions.

I'd like to maybe watch these eps on my tv one day. That'd be splendid. But I'm beginning to think I shall have to try and figure out how to copy the info over as Data. (Provided that layout recognizes I have a DVD and not a CD blank media in the tray *checks* yes it does. So at least I'll be able to save it)

Seriously, I think I now understand a little bit about why certain devices make people feel old. It doesn't take much to wonder if someone younger than I, would have a)picked this stuff up as part of their everyday life as easily as figuring out the ice maker in the fridge, b) think nothing of apparently needing to know what I think of right now as useless technical details irrelevant to what I want to happen.

And the funny thing here is. Newtech Inforsystems is all 'We're so easy and simple'.

And I'm all 'No you aren't you lying gold bitch'. And how do I know this? I watched the former roommate tape things off the telly onto a dvd with her dvd recording device. And I picked up some of what to do partially by watching her and partially by reading the damn intsructions.

So is the unnecessary 'we'll treat your need NOT as if your computer is an APPLIANCE' due to 'OMG, copying could be something illegal!????

Or is it more of 'We're assuming you don't MIND wasting time trying to do a simple procedure, cause you're just sitting on your ass by a computer - NATCH'

Suddenly Apples iPR for their products makes so much more damn sense.

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Date: 10:35PM | Mon, February 4th | 2008
Subject: Gaming. Me. Not A Happy Couple.
Security: Public
Tags:online: games, things that suck

Dear Nexon / Mabinogi

If I can't access your effing forums in order to tell you about how I can't access your effing game - then how the fuck am I suppose to contact an effing moderator to explain the situation when they're only available through forum contact?

This is why I'm not a gamer.

I've loaded this shite onto my computer twice already now. And I'm fully prepared to delete/uninstall and tell it to go eat Dubya's ass crust and look at something else that isn't an exercise in effing futility.


Shit man, maybe I should just buy myself colouring books of fantasy characters. It'd more more entertaining and less frustrating.

ETA: I'm grr-ed and vindictive enough to want to find another game, spend money on it and send a copy of the reciept to the makers of mabinogi along with a note that says 'Your customer service sucks, bite my flat hiney'

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016