By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 06:09PM | Wed, February 22nd | 2012
Subject: Some Stuff + Thoughts + Gaming + Articles
Security: Public
Tags:games: general, thinky thoughts, whoa

All the borderhouseblog stuff (newest: An Engagement w/ J. Hepler's Ideas) about Hepler making note of non twitchy combat, etc...etc... It's the 1st time I've felt... I don't know, emotional about stuff. People are talking about having to be twitchy to play the games. About getting bored w/ combat etc. Or being confused by the controls, etc. And why I figure I may get bored w/ stuff faster than some of those commenting, still - WHOA.

Cause yeah, the ME3 demo? The second part? To me that entire second part is a grind, and in my head it'd have been better with 1 set of soldiers, 1 bit of portable turrent, and 1 mecha. End. Done. Three waves, three different types of fighting. Instead... that's SO. Not. It. And while the fighting is supposedly 'easier' / takes less clicks in 'Storymode', the amount of 'waves' is the same.

And OMGosh, to see other people talking about the boredom of the same animations over and over again in combat. Again, not getting bored as quickly as I do, but mentioning the things that make me sigh and feel it's not worth it / not worth spending money on, etc...

And people talking about the lack of broader base development and awareness of evolving story engines, more complex branching algorithms or non branching but evolving story possibilities w/o distinct written or linear scripts. I did not know there were people who spent money on videogames who thought about this stuff (outside maybe 1 or 2). Who thought about how combat has become gameplay in the minds of some or in culture or perception or design.

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Willow
Date: 12:59PM | Fri, June 17th | 2011
Subject: Well Then
Security: Public
Mood:thoughtful thoughtful
Tags:health: emotional, health: mental, health: physical, whoa

Sometimes being multiple, means have a memory like a fluid jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces are there, but they don't necessarily all line up at any one time to give the full and proper picture. Sometimes there has to be repetition to get a point across. So last night I had 3 bites of peanuts. I was nervous about it, but also really wanted to see if it WAS the peanuts. Somehow I could believe gluten had been damaging my insides for years, but peanuts? And that's despite the fact one of my sibs developed an allergy to peanuts - last night I wasn't seeing the picture. And that's despite having come to the realization that the heavy dark shadows that have been under my eyes for years, were allergy shiners; which have faded bit by bit as I've given up gluten and dairy and had my eyes looking even brighter when I quit it, with the peanuts.

Last night I had three bites of peanuts. Not 3 peanuts. But three small, half or quarter mouthfuls. Three bites. And immediately, though I thought it psychosomatic then, my eyes began to feel strange, the vision in the eye that I am now confident had been scratched, got blurry. The eyes themselves slowly began to feel itchy; lid and eyeball. Then the inner ear itching began - though I was not seeing the whole picture and didn't understand until this morning that that itching was REALLY SIGNIFICANT. I was just very annoyed and grumpy and feeling unwell. I was also feeling oddly bloated and swollen, there was soreness in my joints - which now I'd describe as extra achiness. My stomach felt a little gassy.

And now today, when I woke up, my eyes were all over sleep crud - just as how I'd reacted as a child to extreme dust, and still react to poofing clouds of pollen.

But there's more.

I couldn't sleep well last night and have just awoken (yes, wont' be making therapy after all) in full panic attack mode. I can type, but I can't speak. My heart is racing. I'm feeling jittery out of my skin. My chest is tight. There's something I'd never, ever, considered before; panic and anxiety as a response to allergens - food allergens. I mean, who'd have thought it. The panic that comes with a bee sting if one KNOWS one is allergic, well, isn't that justified? And if one doesn't know? Well, if one is in severe pain and a limb or body part starts swelling, wouldn't there logically be anxiety, trepidation and perhaps panic?

But what if (and I shall surely search engine look to find out) allergens in and of themselves CAUSE panic. A fact if this is widely known, several people with allergen reactions must SURELY be going 'DUH' right now as they read my little revelation. But it's news to me; it is news. to. me.

It's been several weeks since I felt panic even come near to hitting me out of control. Even the altercation with 4 door blue car and loud music didn't set off the jitters and shakes as I would have thought it would once I was safely home again. After all, it was also a strange man cussing at me. But instead I was wary that I could have gotten myself into trouble, hoping he would not enact a campaign, angry at his rudeness and uncouthness but not hypervigilant scared out of my mind that I'd gone waving someone's knife to my throat.

And this can't be the meds, cause I took them! This isn't lack of anxiety/blood pressure meds.

And wow, also to this feeling, this skn is tense, muscles are tense, mind is jittery feeling. I remember this feeling. I remember the twitchy prelude to muscle spasms and cramps. Wow. Just. Wow.

ETA: And today will be a tissue filled day, whereas again, have not had a tissue filled day in a good couple of days, possibly weeks.

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Willow
Date: 09:04AM | Sat, November 14th | 2009
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Tags:multiple me, whoa

Out of nowhere associations come. Except it's not really out of nowhere at all.

I'm currently in mild shock. I just commented to someone who was upset about Glee; apparently on top of the very special episode, someone is revealed to have been faking their stutter. Someone who does stutter on dreamwidth exploded with rage and I went to comment to tell them I'm really sorry the show punched them in the gut. I don't watch it, but all year long I've been dealing with letting go of media because I don't want to be hurt anymore.

The unexpected associations came because I brought up the period where my tongue tripped over my words as a child. It wasn't quite a stutter, but it was definitely something my mother found very annoying. As I thought back to how it'd felt then, when my mother was angry about it, wondering why I did it, talking about attention etc, feeling all those emotions - I suddenly realized why exactly it is when I'm highly upset and end up switching, it's to someone who does not, cannot speak. I've always wondered how that happened.

Now I know.

As well? Now I know why I'm such a looking forward kind of person. Some emotions and memories are definitely better left in the past.

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Willow
Date: 08:16PM | Thu, September 3rd | 2009
Subject: Random Brain Storm
Security: Public
Mood:whoa-ed whoa-ed
Music:Little Wonders - Rob Thomas
Tags:about my mother, health: mental, therapy with dr. yoda, thinky thoughts, whoa

No matter what happens with me and my mom - a whole lot of control issues and other stuff - it's not just because she's my Mom that I feel ties to her despite everything. It's because my mom and I have been that odd couple against the world. Us vs them. And it really is one of those experiences where no one but the person who lived it with you can ever really understand. That's what ties us together more so than the fact that she's my mom and I'm supposed to love her.

I can't help loving the person who held my head above water in some really dire situations, even if in other situations they may have been holding my head down.

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Willow
Date: 01:44PM | Fri, June 5th | 2009
Subject: Oops?
Security: Public
Mood:eep eep
Tags:errands: shopping, food, whoa

I have too many groceries. Or uhm, my larder, it is very sell stocked. I made a bit of a mistake in not understanding that when something reaches me spoiled by delivery and I'm told I'll be given it free, and to include that fact in the notes section of my order, that there's no need to have those items already in my cart. So I've got two of some things. And then I got a little 'overboard' in trying to buy some 'easy' food so I'd order out less given all the pain I've been having. But I also tend to balance that off, by buying more nutritious type food and well.

Very well stocked.

Which isn't a bad thing, except for a slight worry of possibly over eating.

But I've got a chicken I need to cook tomorrow (putting away the groceries and wanting to deal with kitty litter later puts it out of possibility for tonight). But after that, I won't have to worry about non easy food should the rain keep up and the pain crank up. There is tuna, and a whole ton of chicken for easy grilling and significant oatmeal.

Everyone can feel safe and secure that there is food for all manner of ages and mobility.

Hopefully by later tonight I'll stop feeling like this is all a mistake and relax and think of it as a moment of prosperity, well scheduled.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016