Don't talk to me about VB.
I stopped being able to care years ago and all that happens now is a slight cramp until I remind myself that me being who I am, and being honest about it, is not the same as someone taking my words to create an identity for themselves.
I have seen posts where apparently people are being asshatty about pronoun use, to which I point out that VB also qualifies as an individual with mental illness problems and if you're going to judge an entire world population of people trying to manage and deal with their mental illnesses by VB, just as you're apparently judging all trans individuals everywhere and making yourself the authority on whether or not someone is truly trans - GTFO of my journal, defriend, ban me from -your- journal and let us part ways.
VB is VB
Mental Illness is Mental Illness'
Transgender Identity is Transgender Identity.
VB != Mental Illness != Trans Identity.
And people playing that logic game can go shoot themselves in the head.
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News courtesy of Viridian5 - Lyrica causes SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
My uneasiness at the casual prescription the first time the doctor suggested it, had me greatful it was getting the long approval process from my insurance. Then this second time she brought it up all 'Oh sciatica and nerve damage are helped by it' - uneasiness made me not pick it up.
Come my next appointment there is going to be a LOOOONG ass conversation and possibly me shopping around for a new doctor. Old therapist reccomendation or not. Cause WTF? I even asked her to list the side effects. She pulled her her little digital pharma guide and said 'Sleepiness'.
So that shit needs updating and she needs talking to for NOT updating it and MORE.
Shit. Not trusting a doctor means I'm less likely to go to appointments. Shit shit double shit.
Maybe I won't even wait till our next appointment. I might just leave her a voicemail or hand deliver a very pissed off letter.
G'damn 2009. I am so done.
PS/ETA: My uneasiness btw came from online research of the product where suicidal thoughts did not come up, but other side effects did. I took my doctor's claim of 'sleepiness' as her saying 'the major side effect' -- I... yeah, still too angry.
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Do. Not. Read. Boy's Love Fandom Thoughts On Rape In BL & Yaoi.
Just don't.
*shudders*
It's like a convention of Polanski fans.
( Memorable WTF Statements )
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Hybrid Cars May Add Car Tones.
As someone who finds most vehicles far too loud, the thought of silent/quiet cars enthuses me. And now I learn that people think that's a problem. And rather than spurring new auto-safety protocols, movies, ads, promotion etc, they're going to add car sounds on the quiet cars.
So apparently the hearing community can't learn anything from the deaf community about how to relate to traffic. They need fake engine sounds. And there's even talk about personalized car tones, like ring tones.
Another - for the sake of the general population - idea that makes me feel more and more alien in my rejection of it.
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Fines for 'disorderly conduct in school'. Fines? Tickets? First people get tickets for being 5 minutes tardy on the way to school in California to the point where parents keep their kids home if there's any possibility they'll be late. And now tickets in school? This is how counties/states are handling the recession or what? Is this just a Texas thing?
How out of it am I since I'm avoiding a lot of the news? What the heck else is going on out there in American-land?
--
Damnit. Everytime I try to peek out at the world, all I see is crap spiraling down a blackhole. I don't want to be uninformed about my environment but it is bloody depressing. Even the uplifting stuff is depressing, because it's usually about how one individual has managed to overcome some tentacle of the crap monster.
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You were wondering who to support and who not to support?
Do not support THESE assholes. These are people who've signed a petition to 'Free Roman Polanski'. They want to free a man who raped a 13 year old girl, plead guilty, and then ran away. His warrant is over 30 years old.
Hollywood apparently thinks his actions are ok or somehow deserving of a pass.
Thank you Hollywood for cementing the fact I shouldn't even try to pick and choose anymore and should just walk the fuck away forever.
( ETA - with mentions of what he did, thus might be triggery. Also my anger at the whole 'Let The White Man Be Free' )
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1. Self conscious white woman goes wtf that people use a lockerroom for intended purpose. It's just too precious (/snark ). And I think I may seriously agree with this comment.
2. Caught up on Sarah Haskins 'Target Women'. So... there's apparently Milk commercials out there from California Dairy folk that are fairytales about how princesses' need milk to get married. A medusa princess tamed by milk. A PMS princess sobbing the kingdom into floods until milk prince arrives. Yeah, catching up on 'Target Women' is fun and all. But damn if I don't feel blessed to be avoiding tv commercial land.
3. And I didn't mention it the first time I saw it, but that 'Mow The Lawn' razor commercial, wherein the black woman with beautiful fluffy natural (looking pressed or blowdried) hair, needs an automatic hedge trimmer for her 'bush' to 'Mow that sucker down'. Because Asian women have tiny 'gardens' and white women only need a pair of house scissors but black women?
4. Discovered last night that Unilever owns Dove (of Beauty Evolution fame) as well as Axe (of cologne makes women savage or pervy for a man fame). I really liked the Dove commercials - Evolution and another I saw about beauty that had varied women of all sizes, ethnicities and ages. I didn't think further of it aside from liking that aspect and wondering what prompted it, because I'm allergic to Dove soap and products. So the commercials couldn't really 'sell' me something.
It's not exactly crushing to find out that what prompted them was customer management and 'self esteem branding' for more sales. But it does put them in the same category as recent 'Green' Cleaning products for me. I don't get excited when I see them, just bitchy that there had to be a 'trend' before being less callous to the environment and human bodies/chemical sensitivities could come into play.
The big wake up call for me though, was someone pointing how how neatly the Dove commercials pass the buck. Parents talk to your daughters before the beauty industry does compared to 'Keep your Child Smoke Free' because both require the onus to all be on parents and not the industries themselves who remain free to continue down the same lines because 'Parents need to do something' - not them. They don't need to change the way they hawk wares.
Triple wake-up call? Someone else pointing out that the most prominent dove ad to do with beauty diversity actually isn't all that diverse. They're all just one to two steps heavier than the current beauty ideal and beauty apparently still involves half dressed women posing for the male gaze while giggling, laughing and feeling each other up.
It's like my subconscious cynicism just got the motherload of booster shots.
5. And then came the Monsanto-similar lollipop.
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I've used, still use, 'sugar' as an energy booster. The craving is for energy - my needing/wanting to fight off exhaustion - not an uncontrollable craving for sweet things that I cave into once a month (that's just natural chocolate love and chocolate can be had without sugar).
Holy.. Unholy?
Just how long have I had this energy problem? How long have I been compensating with cups of tea and quick snacks etc?
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Yeah, woke up out of a, possibly the correct term should be nightmare - my heart was beating faster - though these days I call them mere bad dreams. In the dream I was watching a group of highschool students get turned away from the front door once the clock struck nine, even though they'd been in line to get into the school for quite some time. Of the three double doors on the front of the building, only two halfs were opened. Students were being patted down, wanded and having their id's checked. The process was long. There was only one guard each at the half doors, with a secondary guard, each, as backup. And even if it wasn't unreasonable to expect students to show up at 6 and 7 in the morning, when school didn't start until 9 - the guards didn't arrive and open the doors until 8am anyway.
The turned away students were encouraged to try and get home before a truant officer caught them and reported them. Too many truant reports and a student could get suspended. So the left behind students were frantically scattering as if someone had just thrown tear gas. Meanwhile there was a second option, but it involved being lead under a bridge to a room there - I can't remember if it was an official type waiting room that was just in a run down place. Or if it was a room that those who were turned away simply knew about - where they could stay all day and not be marked truant.
( There is abuse of power involved in the rest that might be triggering. Also in the dream I get pissed. )
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Did I ever journal the time, this year in fact I think, I tried to re-read Jennifer Roberson's 'The Cheysuli Chronicles' and ended up going 'OMG WTBF '? Cause that totally happened. I'm staring at the list of books in the series now and I'm going to happily delete and move on. Wow - back in the day when an impressionable wee Willow brain didn't notice the whole 'He rapes because he loves' - Or maybe I did notice it, but somehow kept reading.
ETA: Oh LJ-Archive, I love you so. Curious Willow Wonders followed by Curious Willow Discovers (and goes WTF). Also I apparently have a 'books of the past' tag. Weird.
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Staring at a list of authors, contemplating who I might want to collect this week - should I attempt an excursion out of the house (right now falling down seems probable) and I'm hit with a tight knot of anxiety panic in my stomach and the urge to curl up in a ball and cry. If this is a stronger aversion to speculative fiction brought about by non-stop racefail then - ow.
Seriously - ow.
It's freaky as hell to find myself in panic and near tears at the thought of reading something. And I seemed fine this past weekend. Last week I collected another Shannon Hale book, got the unexpected surprise that it was a graphic novel and polished it off despite everything else going on. It was enjoyable too. There were black people, latinos and indigenous natives in her fantasy wild west. (Eat that, P. Wrede). And wow, a really nicely done fairy tale retelling.
I can even turn around and look at the book on the top of the bookcase and go 'Would read again'. So why panic now? Has 2009 been one long session of aversion therapy? Should I feel lucky that certain Mercedes Lackey books still make me feel like hugging them to my chest like a stuffed animal?
Am I just afraid to read anyone new because I don't know how much fail they have dangling from their butt?
...
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Remember the disability fail on SGU that upset me a few days ago? That I put up a big and bold 'Anna, Fickle DO NOT CLICK' ?
It gets worse.
( Cut tag because I'm upset )
So, so much hate and upset and vomit and disgust and shaking anger hurt chest upset.
The link to see for yourself is here. Click at your own risk.
I will just be hating over here.
Seriously, I ... I even want to delete PoCyverse right now cause I'm thoroughly disgusted I ever wrote any fic in that universe, ever created anything in that universe. This may be a side effect of me not wanting to deal with sexual things in fiction right now - but what's going on in that episode is so close to what happens when gay women are attacked by men - that I can't even...
Just the other day I found myself thinking I might be able to handle having people back on my default reading list and ... right now no. It might probably hit me later that these folks are just as OMGWTF as I am about this. But right now... What the fuck is up with the world this year?
What's with all this ass backwardness?
This shit makes my womb hurt.
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PS/ETA: Anna and Fickle? Don't even look. No clicky. I'm serious.
Annnnd this shit guarantees I won't be watching Stargate Universe to do a PoC version. So I guess the ideas I'd had for this - it's time to file the serial numbers off. I've never done that before, but hey - why not, right?
And there's still the possibility of fusion with a world/universe I've already created.
Hmm.
*goes to think on that instead of the uber SGFail*
Really, people associated with SGA(fannishly not so much professionally) and now SGU (including myself for even thinking of a PoCyVerse version) I'm just shaking my head now at lowered standards. One does not embrace the Golgothan Shit Monster.
DisabilityFail!, RaceFail!, AgismFail, Gender!Fail, Sexual Orientation!Fail, Imperialism!Fail - seriously, Stargate's Universe just.... ughs.
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I'm currently reading up and watching clips to do with the mortgage crisis / real estate bubble. I'm not sure how I ended up spending time on this, but I am. And it breaks me down into tears, because I only had myself to rely on when I kept telling my mother things didn't sound right and I was scared of what could happen in the future, that I felt I needed to be more stable before purchasing a home.
What's hitting me the hardest is the realization that it's all not over. What hit me first was realizing that there's a reason for brand new houses and renovated houses into apartments, in my neighbourhood/on my street, standing empty. There's a reason they still have the auction signs on them from months ago and no one's bought them. What's hitting me now is realizing that two years ago when I was talking to Zvi's father about it, that was just the beginning. That there's still five to possibly ten more years of people's adjustable rate mortgages reaching the point where they can no longer pay, because the new monthly amount will be far too high. And that's not counting more and more people being laid off and unable to pay even the price they'd measured out as being reasonable for a few more years yet.
Watching a clip of 'Trash Outs' where folks come in to clean the house out in four to five hours so it's sell ready again and there's nothing left behind and seeing how much is left behind; electronics, clothes, photographs, furniture. And hearing the clean out people say they suspect by the time people have to leave what had been their dream home (or close enough to it) that they're too depressed and too broke to take their belongings a majority of the time. They can't afford the truck, or they have no space in their new place, or they're crashing at relatives and can't bring much of anything, or, I'd guess, it makes no sense for them to now have to pay rent AND storage facility fees.
I don't believe most people have had the experience in their lives of needing to be able to live out of a duffle bag - if it can't fit in there, then it's not important. This must be unbelievably difficult for them.
And yet, I'm still having the shocked, possibly selfish reaction of - omg where did I find the strength to defy my mother? I'm so glad I found the strength to defy my mother. I'm glad I have the strength to still defy her. That I still think the house prices are still ridiculous.
Because reading about what's happening to FHA loans....
And just...where I am isn't California (and omg Califnornia wtf - it's totally crazy sounding over there).
But strength. Mother. Defiance. That's dominating my thoughts right now. That mixed with a bunch of marveling - at bail outs, at banks still dancing merrily all unregulated and happy to go for the quick dangerous buck again, at people actually refusing universal health care...
Right now it all makes me want a glass of milk and a warm blueberry muffin and a blanky.
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Pressed a key on the keyboard and somehow lost everything I'd written for the day on a story. Some 1000 words. And on top of that, it managed to write over stuff that had already been written. I don't even know how the fuck that happened. It didn't seem to be pasting or writing ANYTHING. And I had the bright idea to close it and start over. Never thought it was saving over anything.
I am officially giving up on any thing that doesn't save various backup copies from now cause FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
1000 new words. Gone.
And who the fuck knows how many OLD words I lost. I'm too pissed to check.
--- 5 mins later ---
Oh!
Oh yay!
Freaky keyboard somehow made things white text on white background. Oh Thank you heavens. Still gonna use a program that auto-backs up versions now cause OMHW that was horrific feeling.
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One of my best friends has abusive parents. She's living with them, even though she's over twenty-one, because times are hard and they've also offered to pay for gradschool. Meanwhile being near them gives her insomnia and activates crushing depression and they won't allow her to take the medicines prescribed for it, and hold on to the prescriptions.
I used to think that I'd deal with my Mom long enough to finish college, maybe med school or grad school and once I was on my own I'd get therapy and fix things. Then I had a nervous breakdown. And then I had another one. Luckily during the second, filled with debilitating pain, I also happened to fall in love, and was loved back in return. Knowing there was another human being besides my mother who cared about my well being, made living now, and being healthy now more important than just bearing it and hoping not to kill myself. It was especially important that my mother not hurt the individual I loved (more than she already took the opportunity to). So I left for a new life.
I say quite plainly that falling in love with Dom, saved my life. It gave me someone I trusted who could tell me the world had so many other points of view and options.
Right now I'm watching a friend maintain she's tough enough to survive what she's going through, despite being currently physically sick from injuries she won't explain (though I respect that) and needing medicines her parents won't fill. And feeling like her parents would rather she were dead, because making up a perfect daughter who's already dead is much easier than trying to pretend the daughter currently being told/feeling like she's an utter disappointment is anything near perfect.
Why the fuck are there so many people in the world who quite plainly should NOT have children? Why are people who want children, who would be loving and supporting parents cast aside because of being single or being gay or being trans? I am fucking tired of a world so invested in appearances instead of truth, righteousness and love.
So fucking tired.
People between the ages of 139 and 25 are bleeding out of the world and nothing is changing to prevent future deaths.
ETA: And iJay is now messing up mood themes/mood icons. Not!Wonderful.
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I am sincerely sorry your state is so incredibly fucked up. So very, very badly, incredibly fucked up.
I have no idea what to wish you or pray for. Suggestions appreciated.
Hugs offered.
ETA: My mother used to talk about a 'mentality of scarcity' and how that mindset stopped an individual from seeing opportunities that could result in plenty or from thinking in terms of plenty. She spoke a lot about how they'd end up holding on to everything they had, good and bad, so someone else wouldn't get 'what's theirs' because there was never enough. That comes to mind when I read people talking about 'illegals lazing around on our taxes and all those lazy brown people having baby and paying for cable tv'. It's like they see the rich having plenty and so they grab on to their little bit because 'there's not enough to go around' but instead of blaming the fact that a very small percentage is hogging, they begrudge crumbs for the mice. It's like they recognize trickle down ecomonics don't work, but they're so busy holding their hands for their trickle and elbow gouging anyone trying to also get a trickle, they can't stop to think about WHY it's ONLY A TRICKLE and who's holding the whole larger bit.
Racism. Dividing and conquering for over 500 years.
Tim Wise has mentioned this. But I never thought about it before in terms of UNITY principles.
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| 2009-07-31 17:41 |
| Dear Sleep Schedule |
| Public |
| ahhhh!, wtf! |
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Huh?
Also - WTF?
Thinking I'm gong for a nap, waking up 12 hours later. I don't even know.
On the plus side I did NOT miss my grocery delivery because I ordered it for Sat, not Friday. That makes me feel MUCH better.
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A while ago, maybe a month ago, I read a post on someone's journal about how they have no patience for people who can't own their shit, pick up their feet and walk towards helping themselves. And I thought the speaker was kind of harsh - not wrong necessarily, but kind of harsh. I wondered about my own feelings and put the thoughts on the back burner.
Today, for the third time for the year, a loadstone around the neck of one of my best friends, began his 'no one loves me, you're not a real friend, blah blah, my life is so hard, blah blah' lashout.
I snapped and started typing things. And when I looked at it, I realized I'm JUST as hard and harsh as the person I'd read earlier. I have no fucking patience for people playing sob stories. You cannot shock me with tales of your horrific past, because you are not the only one in the world who's been through some terrifying shit. Survivors often get into a minimizing mindset, and I know I definitely do. But nothing pisses me off more than someone going 'there are all these things in my life that prevent me from living decently' as if the sheer horror should cripple their friends into giving them a total free pass to be utter crusty, filthy asswipes. Because OMG their friends should feel guilty for having better lives / having safer lives / having less opportunities for pain.
That might work on individuals in shock that one human being could do something horrible (as described) to another human being - particularly a child. But that shit will not work ON ME. I can match your ass, horror story for fucking horror story. And if we are friends with the same individual, I will note that she doesn't know half as much about my past as she knows about yours, because I have no need for sympathy to develop our friendship. I don't try to jerk and play her emotions like a harpist virtuoso. And I will resent the punkass who tries.
So, apparently, I can handle someone saying - there's only one person I'm able to trust right now. But I cannot handle someone not listening to that trusted person trying to help them, because they want to wrap themselves in a selfish blanket of 'personal pain'. Lashing out does not show me how deeply damaged you are. It only shows me how immature you are and how deeply focused you are on wanking your wounds. And it's not because I never lashed out at anyone in my life. Four legs, to two legs and currently 3 legs (far too soon) is a facet of human life. But I grew up and out of that. Moreover, whatever stage that was, I never thought my own pain was more important than the feelings of other people. (which was actually a bit of a problem boundarywise). But I know people can learn and grow and adjust.
So I've surprised myself to realize I do believe that people need to own their own shit - even when they're not quite sure what's in all the luggage. Own it, admit you need help and go about trying to get some. And do not give me a sob story about how said help violated your trust. If you can realize your trust has been violated, if you can feel unsafe and recognize it, leave that 'help' situation and find something healthier (ask that one trusted person in your life for perspective if you have to).
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There is nothing like looking at documentaries and newsreports and hearing: Bisphenol A, plastics, endocrine disruptors, diabetes, obesity, hyperactivity and insufficient studies on possibility of affects to human bodies. Followed by; 11 year delay on previously demanded screening. And then looking at myself and at people I know and thinking of all our symptoms.
Combined with: Monsanto, genetically modified crops, insufficient studies, cross pollination of former employees now in government/regulatory positions (including Clarence Thomas), pollination accidental or not with GMC pollen leading to demand for royalties because of patent, and Europe and Canda banning things the US hasn't.
Where are all the people claiming Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve to shout 'Man Cannot Play Deity With The DNA of Plants' or 'You Can't Patent Food'? They're busy I'd guess.
*stares at info all mind blown*
Yeah I stopped watching news on tv. But according to some stuff I've seen that wouldn't have mattered, considering Fox News pulled investigative reports, fired the reporters who wouldn't lie to soothe lawyers and big business and then won during their day in court when sued. I also don't live in Minnesota - so no Minnesota Newspaper Expose - or Japan or Germany.
... Since I'm too broken to go live on a farm out in the middle of nowhere and grow my own food (and that wouldn't help me against transgenic pollination mutating my food since pollen flies on the wind (as do weed killer when misted/sprayed) I'm gonna wait till I'm feeling stronger before researching what an average city dweller can try to do.
But more words I learned today?
* food disparagement laws (and it ain't all Oprah and beef)
* rBGH / Posilac
* principle of substantial equivalence
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Is now using Paypal for grocery orders. I could handle them no longer accepting checks. But using Paypal just makes my skin crawl. I'm going to have to add that on things my brains needs to process this month. Eff damn. Even more skin crawly? Where before the old service charged and -held- an estimated amount that then went through when the order was rung up - Paypal needs them to hold an EXTRA 32$ from me, because 'prices are estimated'.
WTF and Ugh.
ETA: The plus of being a long time customer means that I just got a phone-call asking me if I was unhappy with having to use paypal (mostly because I forgot to take out 'paying by check' from my order, instructions from an old order). Anyway, I've been given the option to have my card on file instead. And I'll do it with the limited card and solve the ick of paypal. Especially that extra 32$. Lots of regulars apparently went WTF? Though apparently a new customer did bogus card info for a 2k catering order. Which was the last straw in the old setup. Though I'd think the solution would be to test the card and ring up a 1cent hold. But whatever.
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When I was a child and a young woman learning journalism alongside my mother as she went to school, and then did her job as a news journalist and occasional investigative reporter, I learned that the news was the facts. You went as deeply as possible to the start of the chain of events that led to whatever was newsworthy at the moment and you laid it out for the viewer or reader. And one's skill was in laying out this chain of events, this line of breadcrumb facts, so that the public could understand it and judge for themselves.
Now I have people mentioning to me that their perception of news, specifically I'd guess in America but I'm not going to guess just here, has always been about a story; a spin; the talking heads telling the viewers how to think of a thing or how to view a thing. Versus where I'd grown up being told that the moment personal opinion came into a piece it became an editorial and not news (even if it was giving information people might not have heard before).
I'm not talking about a historical perspective where someone looking at news clippings and video files recognizes that the time or era may have a general opinion influencing a certain topic due to whatever stress factors. Decades and other periods of history do tend to have overlying flavours. I'm talking about news presented as facts. 1 2 3. Without someone determining what the reader should be thinking about a thing. News as; this is what can be supported with evidence and facts.
And Editorials, whether local news, international news or features, being information slanted with the opinion of the writer. If you want to write your opinion on a bit of news, you write an editorial. If you want to write the facts about a bit of news, you write the facts; a news article.
The friend going back and forth with me on this, thinks that there's always spin. In how one presents data, in what data one chooses to put forward, in what data one chose to hunt down in the first place. And I'm boggling, because my memories of the concept of journalistic integrity are about putting all possible facts down as all possible facts to be found as of this date, and if data could be interpreted in two ways, putting that down, and of having methods to ascertain whether something was fact proven by other facts, or an opinion (and was the opinion relevant in terms of whose opinion it was, and if so noted but as so and so's opinion - it was a fact that this was so and so's official on the record opinion). And it all being laid out as 'this is what was discovered, this is the history that led to this moment, these are the opinions of the relevant players'.
If all news is spin, somehow, mild or overt, where the hell did I pick up those thoughts on facts, proof, and evidence?
All of this brought on, by the way, by what's been happening in Iran and all the mentions I've seen of US mainstream media being cagey, or had been cagey about any mentions at all. And seeing people discussing the fact that what was happening was too complex for sound bytes or infotainment and happening too fast for talking heads to figure out how to spin it.
I really need to read Chomsky - Manufacturing Consent - The Political Economy of Mass Media. I started after the documentary began to bore me, as I don't give a damn much about his life as much as his thoughts, and ended up returning the book to the library unread because I forgot I had it. Because right now I'm feeling very hit by the realization that yellow journalism under guise of infotainment has likely changed how an entire generation views news sources and I'm filled with WTF and much confusion.
ETA: This is not to say that I'm unaware of 'the suspect is a black male, between 18-30', that's a slant of cultural opinion and spin I have many reasons for loathing. And would undoubtedly be a trend a historian has and will note in the future.
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[Anna? Just scroll past, please. Fickle don't even look. Closed eyes scroll.] ( C/P behind Cut )>___<Restraint:Technique can dispirit and hurt special-ed students 2nd Linked article (c/p-ed here): ( Read more... )>______<When the autistic little boy got voted out of his classroom, as part of something his own teacher had set up - I thought that a one off of one woman's cruelty and lack of training. Apparently being dumb as bricks towards disabled children is the effing norm?!! These are children! Small, fragile! Precious you FUCKWITS! I can't believe there needs to be a congressional hearing to determine that nation wide, a 200plus pound teacher should not be weight restraining a 40-60pound child. Or using hand made restraints. Why is this country moving BACKWARDS? Why? ETA: "Do we need anti-torture legislation for our schools?"
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outraged
confused wtf
scared
indescribable
ugh