By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 09:43AM | Tue, May 29th | 2012
Subject: No Ordinary Family
Security: Public
Tags:tv, wtf!!

Someone on my flist mentioned it; and their incredulity at some of the goings on. Since I'm on the 'partaking of trashy/sucky media' theraputic regimen, I took a peek. I think I can watch things that suck, but NOT things that irritate me, and this show just (the pilot even) irritated me to enormous levels. More below.

Cause some folks may not have attempted the series )

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Willow
Date: 02:38AM | Thu, March 15th | 2012
Subject: The Past 2 Days
Security: Public
Mood:exhausted exhausted
Tags:technology, the world: 2012, wtf!!

The past 2-3 days, I've been looking up mobile phones, various 'lease line' mobile services, and all sorts of stuff. I went from knowing what I wanted to not knowing what I wanted to pouting at the pretty being... I can't even.

The thing is? I want a phone that accepts picture msg for the sake of my sister. And a phone that at least looks 'modern' for the sake of my brother, and also cause hey - a bright screen is a pretty thing. Of course, I had to figure out it was a bright screen I wanted and liked. And admit to myself that touchscreens feel like 'skin on skin / nails on board ugggh' to me. The whole concept, and touching and poking a screen and smuges and oils and texture and ARRRRGGGH. And then I found a phone I actually liked, after HOURS of research and research and research.

I liked this phone, even though it was an Android and had a big arse google search box on the top screen. And even though it was touchscreen. It had an optical track button. And a keyboard. And was pretty. And was also, totally CDMA.

And while I was pondering it being only accessible to certian providers I don't like, I floundered around them too; watching various people who'd gone to certain cheaper places and away from big brand name service, only to overflow it with their 'UNLIMITED USE' with their iphones and complain about how it wasn't really unlimited. And I'm all you cut your damn bill in half and didn't think your usage should go in half too?

But that's another conversation about privilege and the Reccession, and the overflow of privileged peoples to certain businesses and institutions that were catering to a completely different market.

Back to the research suck hole of doom. Where was I? Oh, I saw international texting and thought, OMG! Actually, for a service I've since decided could never be - because it doesn't seem to offer voicemail at the lower ends I'd pay for - I saw way more minutes than I could get now, and opportunities and international txting and I thought; whee!

And then it became a thing, who had it, who didn't have. How much minutes, how much data. Then I discovered that having a credit card on file for some of these places would be worse than a contract w/ hidden and unexpected charges. Then came the crashing realization that putting a simcard in a phone, without any sort of 'flashing' of the phone's wee little system, meant no meter on the phone about minutes. A thing I find extremely useful.

And ease of use to me, does not include going/finding a local store and balancing physical access with prices. I tried, it got frustrating.

Then came the realization and the reading and re-reading of several TOS and explanations and seeing that 'roaming' is COMPLICATED.

So, screw that.

And there was looking at more coverage plans and more coverage plans and realizing I have never once thought about not having bars. Not once, in the few years I've had my old school, damn near probably original, 1st generation non analog phone.

It was great, realizing as I got more and more frustrated and began making list (oh so many lists) exactly what I wanted. It's such a tiny ass list. 'Pretty Screen' is waaay at the bottom. But it was also then that I realized, that it hasn't been lack of imagination keeping me from other phones and phone related stuff. It was comfort. I've BEEN quietly waiting for Tracfone (yes Tracfone) to get 'prettier phones'.

I like the confidence I have with it. And my only grump lately has been, having difficulty hearing people on the phone, and finally realizing it's not my hearing, the phone might just be getting old.

Annnnyway, at the end of the day, I discovered that Net10 and TMobile have, well, they both have 'INSERT YOUR SIM'. Except Tmobile is more reasonable for someone who isn't a phone person. And Net10, has obviously found no way to monitor how many minutes a person uses and just demands you get a specific unlimited plan. No flashing the phone to commence sim activation available yet.

I know people have very pretty phones. My siblings do. Zvi does. All very pretty. I have no idea how much my siblings use all the pretty on their phones. I know Zvi and her phone, had a private civil ceremony sometime last year; not many guests, and truly, there were three brides, Zvi, her phone, and her ereader.

But I loathe facebook, don't want to use google on a phone. And specifically bought my Kindle 3g so I wouldn't have to pay for data. 2, 2 things in one.

If I could stand touchscreens by themselves? I could get a pretty phone, with the service etc... I want. Except, even if I used a stylus on the phone to move things around? I damn well need a physical keyboard.

So here I am. Not about to jump on the DROID bandwagon, cause I could put that money towards minutes. Realizing that what many people think of as a 'basic cell service' seems the lap of luxuary to me, which means my current service is full of 'Oh poor dear' to them. Cause I just. don't. phone. I think I might text, w/ a proper keyboard.

But yeah. So much swirly upside down, new phone manufacturers I'd never heard of before Loads of pretty. Have a tab open on the fricking Sidekick Canada (Sidekick Sharp), but as wonderful as that screen and text are. It's... really not enough to deal w/ TMobile Service. Or some other 'lease lines' (it's easier for me to think of them that way, I know there's an official term; Mobile Virtual Network (Provider, Enabler, Etc...).

**flops** Can't even finish this post. Too exhausted.

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Willow
Date: 03:28PM | Sat, March 3rd | 2012
Subject: Damnit GOYA!
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:food allergies, wtf!!

So I physically went to anearby grocery store, which usually doesn't have much of what I can eat - intending to just buy tuna, and found a bunch of stuff to help me last through the weekend - since I'm not up to major grocery shopping. While I was there, I picked up some beans. Then I saw some cow peas; which looked familiar but I couldn't remember if I'd eaten them before, so I went looking at the directions for a clue. And that's where I saw it; This product may contain wheat and soybean. So of course, I put it back. But then I checked the OTHER GOYA dried beans/dried peas I'd picked up, and sure enough they too had;This product may contain wheat and soybean.

Who the hell expects WHEAT in their BEANS?

On the other hand, this past week suddenly makes more sense. My eyes have been tweaking, getting crusted over, feeling like things were in them, etc... basically the beginnings of a non skin peanut allergy reaction for me. And I kept wondering wtf was going on. I wasn't eating peanuts, I wasn't eating anything bad for me; or so I thought. I kept wondering if I'd somehow managed to get a load of dust in my eyes and just forgot and hadn't cleaned it out. Y'know, the usual bewilderment wondering what was going on, trying to figure out what I'd eaten lately that was different, or if I'd developed a reaction to the things I usually ate. Feeling depressed about that, wondering what I'd have to cut out.

A more formal food diary wouldn't have helped me much, because my eyes would have skipped over the beans; cause I've had beans before. The difference, apparently, is GOYA and how they package their products.

Suddenly my hard swollen stomach, and digestive problems and the aforementioned eyes all seemed of a piece. Wheat and soybeans. In beans.

I admit to feeling a little... put, off. The brand 'GOYA' makes me think of home/sourceland, and there's so much of their stuff I can't eat anymore - due to allergens. But missing a 'brand' isn't enough to affect my health. I'm just so WTF. Seriously, I'm now wondering about so many other things now after a week of beans; stuff happening with my hair and skin that I also thought was incidental. Eff damn. EFF. DAMN.

Of course a quick phone call w/ my mother - to warn her, has her convinced it's not the possible contaminants, especially since I wash and soak beans - but the specific peas; split peas. I will ponder. This search for other foods to round out what I can eat though? Is exhausting, and sweet monkey noodles, this has just been 'a week'.

I need a grumpy food icon, I really do.

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Willow
Date: 09:34AM | Tue, February 28th | 2012
Subject: Grr Arrgh In The Morning.
Security: Public
Mood:bitchy bitchy
Tags:wtf!!

So was woken up, early, by either a telemarketer (though lookup says otherwise), or possibly upstairs neighbour calling my cellphone. The connection was horrible. I thought it was my mother. I said call me back. And when they called back my cellphone, only then did I start to wonder - since my mother would call me back on my landline. So, I called my mom - she's fine. I checked my msgs and called my landlady (haven't heard back but as of yesterday she was fine). That only leaves upstairs calling my number - and frankly, I don't give a fuck. I just don't. Espcially not when checking my mgs revealed that my landlady is sending me a letter - aka official correspondence, because the water bill was SKY FRICKING HIGH. My usage hasn't changed. If the terms of my lease change because of this - grr arrgh.

Just started to give Zvi a ring, but she probably still doesn't have off for Escapade (or whichever Con it was). Plus, she knows both my damn numbers. But, to be thorough, in case someone was in trouble. But yeah, don't want to disturb her while she's at work. Oh, the person who called back on my cellphone left a msg; a garbed 1 second of them hanging up.

I want to go back to sleep, but am all agitated now. If my mom calls me early in the morning at 8ish, that's ok. I know who it is. But on my cell? You don't CALL me that early on my mobile unless it's an emergency. How do I know this? I can ignore my landline calling at that hour - turn over and go back to sleep. I was opening my bedroom door to get the cellphone in the living room before I was even fully awake.

More thoughts to give about a new phone and personalized ringtones. Cause eff damn I am NOT calling that number back on either line.

ETA: It was upstairs neighbour. She was calling apparently, to apologise for me being supeaned. Claimed she's going to get my name off. I already have my therapist working on it. So I said I'd been unhappy and if she got me off, thank you. But even in her apology she pointed out she put down a gf 1st, and THAT gf called herall WTF. So y'know... whatever. And also now there's a belated text msg of 'please forgive me'. And I'm mad at myself that my survivalism kicks in, and most I can do is polite verbal cutting. But y'know, polite. Cause eff her. NOW one of her GF's calls her on it, she realizes it's unsafe for witnesses and she was selfish? Pshhhhppppttttt.

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Willow
Date: 02:22PM | Sun, February 19th | 2012
Subject: This Is One Of Those Times When Being Me....
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated & oddly hurt frustrated & oddly hurt
Tags:wtf!!, wth?

Katawa Shoujo is a dating sim game, along the lines of Japanese style dating sim games (are there western versions? I don't know). But it's about a boy with a disability, coming to terms with it, and going to a school for kids with disabilities and all his dating choices have some sort of disability. I started playing it this morning. I think I just finished it. With the worse possible ending my first time through. Drunken falling off a roof. And I have no idea how that happened, or what led to that happening, or where there might have been choices to stop that happening. As far as I can tell, I made... 4 maybe 5 this or that choices the whole damn time I was playing. It was irking me, and pretty damn annoying, but I figured I was early into the game. Now I'm pondering if me thinking someone who has a heart attack as a teenager and needs time to adjust to life, and thus would take it slow his 1st damn week in a new school, was me thinking, y'know, realistically again and not following the needed tropes.

I'm beginning to hate tropes. At least in instances like this. Or rather I'm beginning to hate preformulated games. Here I was figuring the 'school festival' is probably where options would open up, a chance for the character to be more social. NOOOOOOOPE. The school festival is apparently the 'goal'. I remain bewildered. I'll play through again. The game is free, less irritation than my attempt to buy Zenerchi yesterday only to realize BigFish needs to put their programming all up in my computer and just ca't let me have JUST THE GAME.

But, irritated. Yes, there are LOADS AND LOADS AND OODLES of Japanese culture I don't get. Not being Japanese. And if this game was built along those lines then yes, many cues I'm not going to get. At the same time though? Aim for a gf in a week? Am I just... I'm being 'real brained' again? It's weird. It's weird to be someone who likes fictional universes so much, and the creaton of them and the possibilities of them, and somehow my brain is still 'too realistic' somehow. I can't even.

Can't. Even.

I still can't believe the game ended. I'm all 'WHAT?' Where were their choices to... WHAT?

I admit, I think I'm more upset at the thought that despite the subject matter, there's not much room for a character to grieve and recover as I had expected, somehow. No room for that as part of dealing with becoming disabled and healing and learning to live life differently.

And I know I get very VERY twitchy and upset and enraged at being told what my emotions, that anyone being told what their emotions SHOULD BE. Maybe I can't do scripted gaming because that's just too much for me. Maybe along with me going 'Why are there no queer and gay and trans people, why are they no black people, why are they no other ethnic minorities or their proper analogues, why are they no androgynous or genderqueer types, why is their no international diversity (but only varied aliens), I have a thing about - you're scripting emotions now that fit... WHAT? Your plan of SHOULDs?

Feeling what you feel, is what you feel. What you choose to do with that/those feelings, is also a choice. Sometimes that choice is quiet and hermitting and slower healing and poking your head out like a turtle at life. Othertimes it's other things depending on person.

I just - seriously?

And I didn't even get any options to look at any of the other activities. Ugh. But I'm still - really? Have a heart attack as a teenager - get a girlfriend in a week? Really?

I can't even. Can't. Even.

Seriously I should just give up on any non casual games. I just should. Emotional truth and arc is always going to be more important to me than the 1-2-3 plotting that gets done in these things. Emotional plotting doesn't seem to bloody exist! WTF?

WTA: Went back to my last save and realized that my last choice, despite wording, was more important than I thought. Still though. Ugh.'

More ETA: Continuing from the followed through choice, there's been more grieving and healing and stuff. So maybe I just SUCK at games, and what I think is natural (due to wording or whatever) isn't when it comes to choice making.

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Willow
Date: 12:24AM | Mon, February 6th | 2012
Subject: Frustrated. Am I Sick? / 80's nightmare
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated frustrated
Tags:ahhhh!, dreams, wtf!!

I know my sleep schedule's been messed up, but I really thought I'd finally gotten it on track to where I want. Not even 'what it's 'supposed' to be; no shoulding on myself. But where I want it. Except I keep feeling tired in the middle of the day. And I went to take a nap, and it turned into damn near 8 hrs of sleep! WTF?!

To make matters weirder - I lost my Sunday, to a weird ass dream, wherein someone with an 80's sitcome fetish and reality warping powers, was trying to turn my life/the world into one. With me as WW, and the whole damn world as the 80's - just morphing things into popcorn walls, non ergonomic seating, dark, crowded cubicle offices, people smoking in doors and shoulder pads OMG the shoulderpads and the herringbone jackets. And the only one on my side was the wardrobe designer - since my body in no way shape or form, especially not my hair, fits 80's style for tv.

I don't even know. I. don't. even. know.

And for some reason, I was convinced the person trying to run my life and turn me into some fantasy of Lynda Carter's WW, was male. It was the most frustrating thing, watching the world go backwards. Yes, there might have been more black people on tv in the 80's than now. But sweet mercy, I don't want to go back there and relieve it. That was my mom's time. That was my time a a child. I'd like it to stay history and the future to move foward better, no some return to the past because there were some comfortable spots. Y'know weird dream 'master' what wasn't easier in the 80's? Being gay and out of the closet wasn't easier in the 80's. Also? NO INTERNET.

PLUS PLUS PLUS ans most important? I AM CREATOR OF MY OWN DAMN FATE!

ARRRRRRRGGHHH!!!

Yes, yes I am frustrated at a dream. Yes yes I am.

--

Sudden thought: Wait, was it the store!benedryl that threw me off? And possibly gave me the freaky dream? Does it do that??!

ETA: The funniest part was the wardrobe designer going '2010's? I have no idea what the FABRICS you're used to in the future are even like!' Which was weird, in that she's perfectly used to people's lives being taken over. But OMG, future fabric clash!

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Willow
Date: 03:36PM | Tue, January 10th | 2012
Subject: Oh sh*t
Security: Public
Mood:anxious anxious
Tags:anxiety scale 7.5, dreams, my brains ain't what you think, pain scale 4.5, pain scale 5, wtf!!

I just sent a good couple of hours, I don't know how many hours - looking for my passport IN A DREAM!. It being so important, and the pieces of paper within it so important, that it never occurred to me that how I lost it was dream logic. That is, because to me, having it in my hand one minute and it somehow not being there the next, with no memory of what happened to it - isn't dream logic to me. That's exactly how I lose things; a sudden lost of focus and oops/damn!/wtf?!.

And I think I was in some office, waiting in lines and the like for the relevant further paperwork to renew it. So if that's the dream saying something - I have no idea. Cause right now I'm all fluttery. I couldn't conceive of leaving that place without it, which means my brain interpreted me waking up, as leaving, and thus I didn't. I was so upset when I did wake up; a whole minute upset with myself for giving up; berating myself to have looked harder. And then I realized I was in my bloody bed.

And the further thing is? I have no idea if those 'hours' were dream time, or real time.

It was just, in my hand one minute, and then... it wasn't. The thought is still so upsetting to me, even knowing tis a dream. My brain still wondering why I didn't tell more people, ask the guards not to let anyone leave, ask to have them searched, point out that I was a citizen (non us) who could have her identity stolen and they should help me.

My real passport is fine btw. All the important bits of paper that were in the dream version - are fine in reality. Safe. But the concept - the concept of my own possible carelessness. Or dissociativeness....

**breathes**

I wonder, I wonder if this is what a nightmare feels like. As I used to have night terrors, and to me, a nightmare can't equal up to waking up not knowing reality from dream. In fact, the continuing emotion and adrenaline, the wrestling with reality vs dream I"m feeling is similar to a night terror. If so, this is the most administrative night terror. ever.

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Willow
Date: 04:28PM | Tue, January 3rd | 2012
Subject: This Amazon Shite Is Incredulous
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:online: shopping, wtf!!

The people responsible for sending my little brother a water stained, smelling, messed up sticky book - have had the GALL to email me, asking me to remove the negative feedback I gave, because 'it hurts their standing in the Amazon marketplace community'. Note; This is DAYS after the fact, it was AMAZON.COM itself that gave me my refund and figured out they didn't have a replacement copy. But they have the gumption to ask me to REMOVE feedback, warning people they're capable of sending out, foul smelling, stained books, for the money? Why? Because, I have my refund now so I should be happy. That's the impression message their email gave. Seriously! And I wish like fire, there was an option to edit it to add that their customer service is also SLOW AND LACKING.

What is this. I. don't. even. What is this bombardment of 'remove your feedback' as if customers don't have the right to warn others, or have and hold their own opinions on service? How the hell is apologising to me, after the fact, for your own carelessness in your business (and that's me being MILD) supposed to equal me NOT warning people that you are capable of such bad business to customer service in the first place?

How many people have been bullied into thinking they don't have a right to warn people about shite. I was triplely concerned before, and now that has increased by a further factor of 3 - and will seriously side eye all Amazon Marketplace Business. Not only is 'neutral' feedback not 'good enough'. But when people mess up, they think just apologising DAYS AFTER THE FACT, is supposed to wipe their slate clean? WHAT?

The cult of nice has gone too fucking far.

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Willow
Date: 06:16PM | Tue, December 13th | 2011
Subject: Ok then Tumblr
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:the world: 2011, wtf!!

I begin to believe it's a good gosh darn thing, my mind just hasn't worked to 'get' Tumblr. Cause even getting a feed from a few I like onto my desktop - my blood pressure is all 'walk. away'. I just... Life is too damn short. TOO. DAMN. SHORT.

For the record, the whole 'baby being breast fed' - just has me writing off a WHOLE HOST of the damn human race. Just, blip, off. Deleted. BAHLETED.

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Willow
Date: 06:50PM | Wed, October 19th | 2011
Subject: ... no
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:food + me, pain scale 8.5, wtf!!

The only difference between today, yesterday and last week is that yesterday and today... I had chocolate. No, not the milk chocolate that led to itches and crap. Plain, semi-sweet, baking's chocolate. And yesterday I had a panic/anxiety attack. And today? Panic. Anxiety. Attack.

I can't. even.

There is so much comfort tastes and just easy to make food that I can't have anymore. Chocolate WAS a comfort food. I was conditioning myself to stop missing the milk chocolate so much. And now, this.

And once again, having gotten used to how it feels to not have these sensations day in and day out, I can, and have felt, the muscles in my thighs and feet tensing up, up around the side of my knees, tension in my chest and stomach, the racing feeling of panic - which might not be panic, might be that chocolate makes my heart race and my body flips the switch and mans the stations cause hey, if it looks like a duck/rainstorm/hurricane/Gozilla attack...

I know it's melodramatic, but I want to play Gregorian chants, and - well my robe is pink and not at all brown and sturdy. But it's how I feel. And thing is, I think the reaction is pretty damn quick, like within 15 mins, cause I only just started nibbling half a baking block.

The pain I was in last night? Maybe it wasn't all the rain.

Part of me, a very small twinkle star part is kind of proud of myself for being so in tune/in touch with my body that I noticed the correlation between how I was feeling and what I'd just ate. But oh fickle jabs of destiny.

Oh wow, and now the hip joint pain. Oh heavenly bodies - the past couple years worth of excruciating pain has been due to CHOCOLATE?!! (and gluten). Seriously?!!! When I think of how I'd ingest more chocolate to comfort myself for already feeling crappy... oh the fricking cycle.

I can't even. I. Can't. Even!

In the past 20-30 minutes, I've gone from a 3 to an 8.5 on the pain scale. And while I'm sure the weather has something to do with it, since I wasn't at a 0 - a 3 to an 8.5? Seriously?!!!! SERIOUSLY?!!!!

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Willow
Date: 03:54AM | Fri, August 19th | 2011
Subject: Why Is The World So Hazmat Irrational Ridiculous?
Security: Public
Mood:stressed stressed
Tags:wtf!!

This past week when I was actually watching television; I kept noticing the Back To School Ads. I kept noticing, not just what seems to be required to be bought per student for school. But all those ads involving children in actual music classes with instruments struck me hard, because I've seen for years, teachers and students and parents complaining about the lack of art and music in schools, how it'd come to be considered frivolous & unnecessary. But there it is, to invoke a thing, to tap the psyche.

And then there's my dawning understanding of just how much school has changed. How I sqeaked by from an age of constant, unrelenting, DAY LONG assessment tests. Taking the SATs and similar hours long testing wore me the FUCK out. If I had to take all day tests, DAY AFTER DAY in a ROW; if there was a fricking TESTING SEASON like that, and how I did determined how much or how little money the school got, etc, etc? I'd... I don't know where I'd be. Because I love learning. And when teachers weren't teaching me - I'd crack out a book and read something to be stimulated. So I laugh to think of myself as becoming a 'problem student' under the new system, when growing up, I had teachers who set aside accelerated lessons for me so I wouldn't get bored.

And on top of that, it's like dystopian science fiction to have people going on and on about Islam is not a religion of Peace like Christianity; which has my jaw on the fricking FLOOR as I ponder the Crusades, The Burning Times, The Lost/Stolen Generations, Amerindian/Indigenous People's Near Genocide. Chattel Slavery.... Since when was Christianity NOT dripping in blood? WTF? WTF is this 'and this sect of Islam was violent in ages past'. WTF?

Meamwhile my mother has finally given up on Obama (I can't even get into my own feelings of disappointment at essentially watching the political machine infest him and Borg him) - but she's also believing in The New World Order, The Fifth Column... I got off the phone so fast because it felt like any minute she'd be talking about the British Royal Family as being secretly lizard people. Which would, perhaps, have been less scary than hearing her go 'Jesus Take The Wheel', whatever happens, I'm going to heaven, so I don't care.

WTF world?

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Willow
Date: 02:24PM | Fri, July 22nd | 2011
Subject: "Sometimes it just takes a really bad day" - Joker
Security: Public
Mood:crazed laughter crazed laughter
Tags:the year: 2011, wtf!!

Oh fuck. The downside of catching up on 'The Daily Show' is hearing about the whole 'August 3rd' no checks, things go boom thing. I've been trying to avoid some stuff for fear of anxiety and ran smack into that.

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Willow
Date: 11:32AM | Mon, July 18th | 2011
Subject: Seriously body?
Security: Public
Mood:GRR ARRG!
Tags:multiple me, wtf!!

It's not enough to deprive me of pineapple? Now you find the smell of salmon to raw and unpleasant to let me eat? Seriously?!!!!

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Willow
Date: 10:13AM | Mon, July 18th | 2011
Subject: Piss Damnit
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated frustrated
Tags:health: physical, whhhhhyyyy?, wtf!!

I've got itchy ears. I've had itchy years for two days now. Only change? I bought pineapple with last set of grocery shopping and have been having some with breakfast. Seriously body? Seriously? I can't lose pineapple. I just can't. So I will see if maybe it's the amount I've been eating. I'm still SERIOUSLY? This might be the runny nose and eye source? The whole quarter box of tissues in a single day?! I was so damn happy it was on sale that I could buy some! I didn't even consider I haven't eaten any in a couple of months.

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Willow
Date: 04:02PM | Mon, June 20th | 2011
Subject: Throws Hands Up. Screams!
Security: Public
Tags:wtf!!

dyspraxia. doing up buttons. focusing on laces. always being afraid a cup's going to fall out of my little hands. sucky hand-writing (on top of the other issues with that).

Peas & Fuck. Why is the world contnually expending energy to create and promote a status of normalcy that doesn't exist - leaving so many varied individuals feeling off and awful and deficient and stupid. And it's one thing to know 'i just don't get somethings'. And it's another to realize there's a NAME for why you don't get it. Not an excuse, just a bloody NAME.

And maybe it's not the same thing after all. I haven't come across mention yet of it being physically painful to do up buttons, and hold pens and pencils (or liking pencils because they dont' write as fast as pens, and you can focus more on control). But peas and fuck, the whole bloody ALONENESS of it all. This is just some weird, crap thing about me, about my body, about my brain.

The whole left-right confusion thing is in there. And I'd found out in college (through research for a paper) that it was dyslexia. But now it may not be... And OMG, b has a belly and d has a derriere.

And the overwhelming input of some things. Sirens and Klaxons and Irritating vibrations that are both a sound and a feeling. And just - grrah. Just. grah.

This post doesn't mean anything. I'm just grah.

The pain and spacial confusion (didn't even HAVE those words before today) of combing my bloody hair! Grah, just... grah.

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Willow
Date: 07:34PM | Tue, June 14th | 2011
Subject: For The Record
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:i will cut somebody, the world: 2011, the year: 2011, wtf!!

I am a queer, WoC, of Caribbean Heritage, who is neuro-atypical and a survivor. I exist. People have met me. I have met them. They exist. Last I checked Zvi_Likes_Tv was NOT a middle aged hetero white guy (I only mention my Boston Wife, cause I can handle her smacking me for insisting she exists, I won't insist other peeps exist w/o their permission). Also last time I checked the mirror I was not a middle aged hetero white guy. Y'know, just in case someone gets it into their head that the seeming diversity from straight, white, hetero, cis, white guys on the internet are all just pretend, all just default white hetero cis white people who're currently able bodied and/or disability free 'pretending' to make the world more diverse and different. NOPE. Not the case.

PS: There are other identifying aspects of myself I've likely forgot - because I don't go around all day long thinking about just how 'different' or 'unique' I am compared to the particular 'default' most people (of a type) assume.

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Willow
Date: 07:12PM | Mon, May 30th | 2011
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, pain scale 8, wtf!!

1. I may not be able to tell the difference between stomach pain/lower stomach pain and female body part cramps

2. Which puts aspects of illness in my past in a HUGE and illuminating light.

3. And thus counts my recent decision to have something with butter toffee in it (yeah, I didn't think) as an unexpected challenge to the concept that I have a milk allergy.

4. Which makes me wonder, a lot, how often I've mistaken allergy pain for something else (I seriously thought I was premenstral bloated. I begin to doubt now).

5. Which explains, perhaps, why my last set of blood tests where so WTF. I've been drinking straight up WHEY for a YEAR thinking I was being helpful and healthy.

Right now, all that's going through my head is 'Awwh crap'

ETA: I'm thinking it's WHEY, so much. Just checked some ingredients. Well fuck.

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Willow
Date: 10:23PM | Tue, April 26th | 2011
Subject: State Of Me
Security: Public
Mood:can't even... can't even...
Tags:health: mental, wtf!!

I have some posts that somehow didn't get posted yesterday; Apple, Pillow. Will backdate them. Yesterday was kind of; focused, obsessed, intense..

And at the end, while I thought I'd figured out how to support my neck and head without buying anything or maybe with a better clue as to WHAT to buy. Today I'm back to square one again, my neck and shoulders hurt, feel tense, my shoulder blade is in pain, and I"m kind of foggy.

Other current irritations? Losing my bookmarks bar with relevant bookmarks - luckily PaleMoon does backups -but WTF is up with that?

Today hasn't been an 11+ obsessive day, closer to a 6.5 or so. But still consuming. Something's going on in my head, no doubt, to have so much fos be on organizing minutia on the computer and other areas of my life. Spending hours without rest because I have to get everything calm. Oh mental health, and people thin it's so easy to maintain.

I need to make myself something to eat - see of I can get to therapy tomorrow and try to take it easy. How successful I will be? I don't know.

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Willow
Date: 10:35PM | Mon, April 18th | 2011
Subject: W@)($#(#)$
Security: Public
Tags:food + me, wtf!!

And now I'm getting a headache after nibbling on my pathetic second attempt at cornbread (crap texture, better taste). I can't even... I CAN'T. I had some corn chips the other day and I don't remember feeling all that badly. I just... seriously????

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Willow
Date: 04:50PM | Sun, December 5th | 2010
Subject: Loathing, Loathing For My Domicile Metropolis
Security: Public
Tags:crap on a stick!, errands: running around, wtf!!

Thumbscrews to the bus service and the bus drivers!

Today I forgot the library doesn't open until 1pm. I arrived -early- for 10am. So, I made my way to the train station, after buying something to nibble on, and stayed warm until an hour before I needed to be at the sale. There should have been two buses in the time when I was waiting. None came. So I took a a tourist free shuttle bus to the nearest spot and walked. I was late. 10 minutes can mean the world of difference when people are swiping books off tables into boxes.

One man grabbed 90% the manga, right in front of KIDS who were trying to check to see which they were. He said 'You snooze you loose'. To 10->13, 14 yr olds. I wanted to smack my cane into his foot. I managed to catch some manga for my little sister, and almost in order, I think up to about volume 10. Of course I know nothing about the title, I just wanted to get something before he rode off with his huge box.

There was little YA but a whole lot of children's books. So I'll have to do something about my brother, since what YA there -was-, was predominantly female protagonist. But not gender neutral female protagonist - female protagonists who worry about shoes and make up and the size of their breasts. It made me want to write something so badly that my brother would read. So far he's drawn to action-adventure spy mysteries. But he knows more than enough about PMS, growing pains, feminine hygiene products and girls worrying about their weight (my sister). He wouldn't want that in his reading. And I so desperately want him to get back into it again.

Then after all my running around trying to find authors who didn't make me want to head-bash myself, and realizing I will always be more comfortable in the YA department - > I headed home, only to encounter a bus driver, who once again didn't offer help for me and my bundle. And this stood out even more sharply, because the tourist-shuttle? The driver there lowered the bus automatically. This on the way home, female bus driver, did not, and then, when I put the baggage out of the way to swipe my card, was all 'you can't leave that there!'

Me: "I just wanted it out of the way so I could swipe my card."

Her: "You have to take that in the back and stop blocking the aisle. You can't block the aisle."

Me: I point to my cane. "It's difficult to get back there. I can't - "

Her: "You'd better, or get off my bus. You can't get to the back, you don't ride the bus today."

Me: "I'll need you not to take off while I'm walking then, so I don't fall down."

Her: "Alright, but don't take too long."

---

While I'm sitting in the back, hoping lots of people don't come on - because the back door step is WAY to high for me, with just a cane alone, far less a boxload of books, someone ELSE with a cane comes on, this man is trying to manage a bundle of laundry.

The bus driver's unpleasantness repeats itself.

The man gets up slowly, having already sat down and tries to maneuver to the back (his bundle was smaller than mine, softer than mine, and could have taken up space on the seat or on his lap). He tries to point this out.

The bus driver starts asking him if he wants to get off the bus.

He moves and he says to her to go back to driving, he's found a spot.

She: "Don't tell me what to do!"

Him: "Just drive the bus, ma'am. We all just want to get home."

She: "Don't you TELL me what to do. Don't antagonize me. This is MY BUS. You sit your ass down there an be quiet."

Him: "Ma'am, don't disrespect me."

She: "You're disrespecting me!"

Him: "Ma'am, as long as I don't put my hands on you, and I follow your instructions, I'm not disrespecting you."

She: "Don't ANTAGONIZE ME. Keep your mouth shut or you WON'T be on the bus!"

She says so more stuff I can't quite make out, it might have been cursing. While she's doing this, she's stopped the bus, in the middle of turning a corner. I SHIT YOU NOT! Bus on a diagonal, in the middle of a busy intersection between the routes for about at least 6 different bus numbers - so she can cuss out someone.

The few people in the bus don't know what to do. They're staring at her like she's insane. But we all just want to get where we're going, it's shittastically cold today, far colder than it was yesterday.

Bus driver finally decides to drive the bus. Many people take the back door to avoid passing her again, including little old ladies with canes - I SHIT YOU NOT. And the guy with the laundry. I have to take the front however, or I'll hurt myself, and I already turned my ankle once for the day.

What's the point of public transportation that doesn't consider that people who take public transportation, have to manage bundles, packages, bags, groceries, laundry, big bookbags, shopping carts, strollers, etc?

So unpleasant. SO unpleasant. On top of my grr at not finding enough books for my brother. I'm going to attempt to treat, soothe myself with salmon as soon as I can make myself stand up again. Been going since 8am, most of that time on my feet.

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Willow
Date: 10:08PM | Sat, May 15th | 2010
Subject: Well That Unintentionally Sucked
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, wtf!!

Earlier today I had a conversation with my landlady. And in the conversation, it came up that treating hypothyroidism has caused me to lose weight; rather a lot in a short time period. I mentioned it because I'm so happy to be know what's going on with me, and be doing something that's making things better and has my body equalizing itself.

But she congratulated me for losing weight. And I really think I'm going to bring it up with her when I see her next Tuesday. Because at the time I wasn't quite sure what to say other than 'Yeah thanks' while feeling so uncomfortable. But it REALLY disturbs me that the response to someone losing weight is CONGRATULATIONS! And then asking about the thing they did that made that happen and if they can have some too.

I can't even explain why that feels so inappropriate. But if I don't bring it up when next I see her, it will bother me for a while.

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Willow
Date: 03:53PM | Thu, April 22nd | 2010
Subject: More Things TV Is Trying To Teach Me
Security: Public
Tags:tv, wtf!!, wth?

1. Only women care about the size and usability of a kitchen. If a man cares he MUST be a professional chef, or Latino.

2. And this is because Men cook OUTSIDE and women cook INSIDE.

3. Being a woman is all about high heels, coiffed hair, having children, wearing pink, having lots and lots of clothes in need of closet space, and sharing personal, intimate life details with other women.

4. Being a man is about being somewhat gross, somewhat childish, being a 'good provider' while also being treated as a child by the women in your life. Thus the need for a 'man-cave' the grown up boys only treehouse in which men keep their mess and 'toys'.

===

It's like something out of science fiction how HARD SELL this barb-wire gender divide is being promoted. And it's confusing too, since, for example, since 'men cook outside' there could be commercials, say, where Dad's cook dinner, but grill it. But nope. Cooking is for women. Also owning lots of shoes. Club-house somewhat dirty and disgusting living is for men who are somehow all idiots the minute they get married. Because why? Are women brain vampires? They suck out the nummy yummy grey matter? WTF?

===

5. Everyone wants granite counter-tops and stainless steel appliances. Who decided this? The manufacturers of course. And any deviation from it, equals lost upgrade/renovation/house property value.

6. Everyone also 'wants' double ovens. Even though these days the majority of people don't cook and mostly thaw-reheat.

===

As much as I enjoy it, it occurs to me that the home focused shows and channels are 24 hour advertising; either brand or general product. *face palms* So much for me trying to avoid too much commercialism (and muting ads). I haven't seen yet anyone talk about getting appliance that work for the household - a certain size fridge, with certain type shelving/easy to clean etc, etc... or ovens that braise if you cook, or self-clean or whatever else. It's all surface surface and likely unconsciously 'an updated kitchen is one which has x. y. z'. So much for 'what I need in my kitchen/space'.

===

7. Everyone need a master bedroom the size of a living room with an ensuite bath.

===

Americans (North Americans, not exclusively USians) are, well, gluttons for space. Or at least that's how media and advertising would like to present them. It's not even a matter of people discussing the hectic pace of modern life and wanting to be sure that everyone in the house has someplace private to go to wind down. It's echoes, to me at least, of European Conquest, in this reach for square footage. Really what do people do in their bedrooms besides sleep, have sex, and occasionally snuggle? Why do you need to have an entertainment area IN YOUR BEDROOM, especially when you already have a 'formal living room' and a 'family room'. Cause really why do you need TWO living rooms?

I thought that was strange when I was small and had relative who had a formal living room we were never allowed to go into. At least that room as smaller than the room used everyday.

But really? In this modern day and time, people need a PARLOUR? A Salon? Even if they're not calling it that?

Ok, I guess this isn't so much what's being taught to me, but what has me so incredibly confused. Why a living room and a family room? Why a Master Bedroom that can hold two king sized beds? Why have an effing 'Man Cave' just for the man/males in the house? And whomever came up with the term 'man-cave' needs to be effing shot. It's all this prestige but not actual real living space.

Oh! I know. TV has taught me that I'm the weird one for thinking all space should be daily usable space.

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Willow
Date: 05:36PM | Sat, April 3rd | 2010
Subject: Grr Argh
Security: Public
Tags:health: mental, wtf!!

Landlady didn't contact me to go to the market with her today. I probably should have called - though I emailed really early this morning; near 7am. And have been battling the anxiety about going out all day. Now I'm wiped, and can't even convince myself to leave for a treat. Actually been battling anxiety to leave the house for a week or so now. I've been feeling drained psychologically - my mother calling several times a day can't be helping.

I have to figure out how I want to manage that.

Physical energy is fine and great and dandy. But I need to be able to focus on mental tasks.

For right now, I want to crash to bed. Will try to figure out something I even feel like eating when i wake up. Since right now the thought of cooking has me wanting to pull out hair. Too many suggestions/rules/advise all at once. And I'm going to try not to be mad at myself, because my mom's intercession DID help. I just... can't take more than a little bit of it at a time.

And I'm not going to wait on anyone - but order groceries delivered and pick up extra when I can.

Grr. Fuck. When it's not physical health, it's mental health. And right this second I'm feeling so emotional and want to cry - and so frustrated and angry and upset at myself. Choosing the right people to lean on is so fucking important. Now to figure out how to tell my mother ENOUGH - you're smothering me.

More thoughts, but too upset to write them. Fuck damnit, I want a healthy balance. Physical energy AND lack of brain fog/anxiety/etc...

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Willow
Date: 12:36PM | Thu, August 20th | 2009
Subject: Because The Freedom To Call POTUS A Nazi Has Everything To Do With Being Oppressed.
Security: Public
Tags:racethulu cometh, the world: 2009, wtf!!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means by Upstart-crow@livejournal.


My thoughts:

You know the other thing that's been pissing me off in particular? The obviousness that the only oppressive regime these people appear to know a damn thing about, is the Third Reich.

They don't know about Chile. They don't know about Ecuador. They've apparently forgotten all about Iran since Michael Jackson died.

But Nazis. They know about Nazis, hell yeah. And not one of the simpletons takes the time to consider just why it is they have that analogy come to mind so freely. That it was so bad, and did so much damage that it's being inscribed in popular consciousness in the hope that it is never, ever, repeated because it can and should never be forgotten.

Privileged, sheltered, too special for reality - wankers!

Also? Calling a black identified biracial man, the same as fricking HITLER takes a special kind of stupid and shows their true purpose and irrational fear.

________

2009. The Racethulu of White American fears makes itself known.

And a point I just realized I didn't make too clearly. They know about Nazism, they 'claim' and yet they dilute the term and disrespect the dead like this without a blinking fricking pause.

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Willow
Date: 07:53PM | Tue, May 26th | 2009
Subject: If I Had A Shoutgun, The World Wouldn't Be Safe.
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, sleep cycle, wtf!!

Let me tell you all about the deep sleep I did not get. Why? Because someone's car alarm went off and wouldn't shut up. Loud, constant beeping, over and over again. My bedroom? One small garden away from the road and street parking.

I don't know how long it went on, really, but this was no mere beep beep, chirp chirp and then someone came and turned it off. This was me, trying to go back to sleep and put a pillow over my head, only to wake up a bit later and the beep was STILL going on. This was me trying to continue to sleep because I could hear the rain outside and knew there wasn't much point in me hobbling in the rain to find the car, cause it's not like a swift kick, even if I could manage a swift kick at 2 tons of steel, would stop the damn thing.

Wake up, turn over, pull pillow tighter - repeat.

Woke up just now because some ass was playing -music- loud. After the car alarm that got me pissed enough to get up, pull on a jumper and hobble my ass outside to see wtf was going on. At least this time I knew someone would be at the vehicle in question. But just as I started up the outdoor stairs to the garden (3 steps - I love my place but it is neither cane or wheelchair friendly), the music cut off. I didn't see the car, but I saw the man responsible for the music-noise, going up stairs to his place of abode. I think I might recognize him. I hope I do, cause the next time I'm out and about, should I see him going to or from his car - I really want to go "Excuse me, but wtf is up with your noise pollution?"

Seriously, why is there a generation absolutely determined to go deaf before they hit forty? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say I'm pretty sure the Deaf Community does not want stupid people seeking entrance.

Anyway, there went restful sleep. Goodbye REM. And after only getting five hours previously. 8 hours where only a few of them where me hitting REM, is less good, I think, than five hours with REM (or it's possible equal depending on how long that car alarm was going off).

Well crap to my health.

And yeah, possibly someone's car was broken into - but since they weren't around to realize this fact AND TURN OFF THE DAMN ALARM, my sympathy is limited.

Re: Title - If I had a shotgun the world really wouldn't be safe, but could I wield it liberally (and legally) in people's faces, the world sure as HELL would be quiet.

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Willow
Date: 11:51PM | Mon, May 25th | 2009
Subject: Arrgh
Security: Public
Tags:errands: online, wtf!!

I've just spent an hour (2 hrs ago) trying to reconfigure my DSL. First there was all sorts of 'activate cookies for IE' and nothing I did worked. SO I restarted and eventually even turned off my firewall. And then I finally got 'Cookies? Yes?'To come up on screen. But even after clicking yes - DIPSHITNADA.

So I restart again and suddenly my password and username don't FRIGGING MATCH

This happens three times.

Finally it accepts it and I realize I no longer give a shit about the free Popmail access to Yahoo!Mail this would allow me. I'd rather go through the last remaining emails I get sent to me and change email addies by hand (what I've been doing since 10:45pm EST).

As I try to find my way out of the system, I realize that this would also want to connect my current yahoo username to my Verizon Account.

THE STREAMS WOULD CROSS.

Double trouble for no effing good reason - Why did I ever think this was a solution to dealing with the last few entanglements/disentanglements of my yahoo addy?

In other news, Photobucket is apparently fine with no personal info from me - until I want to change my email then it's all Last Name! Birthdate! Gimme gimme! So that's not getting changed.

PS: Y'know what would be cool on Dwee? Scroll down tags. This type and have things show up really doesn't work for me. I don't need prompts. I need this thing to remember what I've previously labeled things so I don't end up with tags like: wtf?, wtf!, wtf

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Willow
Date: 07:24AM | Thu, April 16th | 2009
Subject: Ok
Security: Public
Tags::{ grumpy face, feeling: burning bitter not!glee, online: journaling systems, online: keeping in touch, wtf!!

The more I see people ask questions about OpenID. The more I realize how many people didn't pay attention to the many explanations and diagrams and all sorts of bullet point entries I and many others put up two years ago.

The more I seriously want to give up on my reading list on LJ because I feel more and more like I went through the trouble of being able to communicate and read and keep up with them, but many of them never bothered with me. I'm recognizing who I haven't seen post to me in 2 years and realizing it's not that they were busy.

I happen to hve one friendship that dropped completely - the person then said they wanted to make things right again, and yet... I never hear from them.

I think when DW goes OpenBeta, I might just stop interacting at ALL on Livejournal except for one community. And I need to log into my old lj account for that.

Yeah, this is how DW will be changing my life. If you're not an orc, and you're not on DW, I just won't go through all this fuss anymore trying to stay current. Heck, I'm probably talking to the effing choir that does take the time to stay in contact with me through feeds and the people I'll be dropping probably can't even see this.

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Willow
Date: 08:10PM | Wed, April 15th | 2009
Subject: I think I'm antisocial. Or something.
Security: Public
Tags:.ijay, online: journaling systems, question everything, wtf!!

Actually I don't think. I've been told by good friends that I am antisocial. But I haven't realized how much until getting a DW account. All of a sudden people I don't know are subscribing to me. And I can't block them the way I would on Twitter. And I'm wondering when the hell did I get so insular and twitching about unknowns reading.

I think 2 years on iJay with a very small readership has me in 'Small Town Mode'. And DW, at least for the moment is a 'Big City'.

*hugs flist here*

So not giving you guys up.

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Willow
Date: 06:51PM | Tue, April 14th | 2009
Subject: In Other News
Security: Public
Tags:technology, wtf!!

Does anyone else who uses Thunderbird have any idea why my IMAP folders disapepared? I need some help. First Outlook Express was eating mail, then I thought to give Thunderbird a try and it does come with good add-ons, but now I have Outlook Express open again so I can be sure I'm getting my mail (Currently I'm not)

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Willow
Date: 06:49PM | Tue, April 14th | 2009
Subject: Willow Has Words
Security: Public
Tags:.deewee, online: journaling systems, wtf!!, xposted

Y'know, I had my beef with livejournal. I was angry and bitter and needed time to step back and heal. And I had arguments with [info]zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com because she was tired of hearing my anger about LJ and ended up saying something about it and we had it out.

But today I found myself with a whole lot to read about DW and how much people are afraid of it, don't like it because of who created it (and I have to admit to having a personal bias there cause Denise kicked on iJay and will forever have me giving her cut eye over that) and people also don't believe there will be 'The Great Fannish Migration' - so they're not even going to bother... blah blah blah.

Today was apparently 'Air Your Cynicism Day'.

Truthfully I do not believe in a Great Fannish Migration. Y'all are lazy asses. Those who aren't lazy asses moved back in 2007. That's my belief and you're not going to shake it from me. However, I do believe in good code and usability and I do believe in community.

Cause this got a little extended. *adds cut tag* )

Yeah this got a little tl:dr. Some of you may not read it. It's not actually a great big 'Hurrah For DreamWidth'. But it is 'WTF people, you're not even giving them a CHANCE!'. I like to think the people reading this are intelligent enough to take the reminders contained therein that point out the differences between DreamWidth and Danga Interactive Clone Sites. I'd also like to think they're not spoiling from two years of bitterness over their social circles (fans or not fans) not moving when they moved and are upset that it takes something shinier than iJay to get people to lift their metaphorical lard asses.

DeeWee is shiny. Yes. But it's shiny in the way that LJ hasn't been in a couple of years. It's shiny on the back end.

Try it or don't try it. But really, you've got no ground to open your mouth if you haven't tried it / if you haven't read the updates / if you only have word of mouth.


_________

* If, and so far the things that DeeWee has promised, it has delivered on, there ends up being a way to read flocked posts via rss feeds on one's DeeWee reading list, it will make DeeWee accounts less likely to go inactive.
_________

PS: All y'all snarky ass bitches talking about the drama of fannish life and what will happen due to access or not access? You'd be finding something else to bitch about re: 'Teh Dramaz' and we all know it. People bring the drama, not just fans.

PPS: Having now had some confirmation that some folk haven't bothered following or reading me on iJay and it wasn't just they had nothing to say - thus lack of comments. I am cleaning house, both for my iJay and in who I'll grant access to on DW.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016