By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 08:14PM | Fri, June 15th | 2012
Subject: It might not be the dominant cultural thing to walk away - but my soul needs air
Security: Public
Tags:games: general, i hate people, ig'nant ppl, shit fuck damn, wth?

... I am having some kind of moment. Just, some kind of moment. I am fed up with people so in their thoughts and feelings they can't utilize reading comprehension - start bullshit talking to you explaining their position against a position you never even TOOK; which they would know, if they had actually READ YOUR WORDS & TOOK SPACE TO COMPREHEND THEM.

And it's irking me, but I'm not going to respond, cause I already said I was through discussing anything with them. But I'm just stuck solid, on their need to pull out; but the one who notices the problem is actually the problem. And no, this isn't even about race. This is about a bloody game, that I liked but had a complaint about that the creators found applicable and they and I were discussing options for an update to add some stuff. And here comes this person all; but that's just the way these games are, but that's just how this character is, and to call them on their actions is to be as unreasonable and angry and dangerous as you're claiming they were - you need to be more introspective.

Whereas I'd said ; whoa, what happened there was kind of freaky and I found the character's apology to be milkwater, is it possible to have a chance to call them on their action? Mention they scared or hurt your char? Cause it seems kind of abusive, especially if you end up just taking their remarks and their weaksauce apology.

And the creators aggreed with me. We'd spend the day working out possibilities as well as discussing stuff. Back and forth on the board. And then here comes this two legged turd.

I can't even. I just can't. But y'know, I should have been warned the moment the person was all 'It's a 50 Shades of Grey thing'.

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Willow
Date: 01:09AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012
Subject: Eff This. New Rule
Security: Public
Tags:wtf!, wth?

No More Hitchhikers To Vegas, No More 'Naps'. No More Sleeps In The Day. Cause it seems like any sort of lay my head on a pillow results in total beddy-time, whether I want to or not. Whether I've eaten or not. So I just need to stay the eff up, even if my nose slams the keyboard, until a reasonable hour to go to sleep. Cause all this rest is happening unmedicated - so it seems obvious that there's an emotional component happening here. And I bloodly want SOME control over my life. Some. SOME!

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Willow
Date: 07:31PM | Tue, May 8th | 2012
Subject: Things Make A Post - Maybe
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:*sigh*, i hate people, pain scale 6.5, pain scale 7, wth?

Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.

In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?

Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.

I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.

In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.

If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.

And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.

Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.

Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?

**flops**

And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.

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Willow
Date: 11:47AM | Mon, April 2nd | 2012
Subject: Wll That Was Anti-Climatic [not even doing official review type review]
Security: Public
Mood:????????????
Tags:book series: foreigner, wth?

Finally got my hands on Cherryh's Intruder (Foriegner #13). And I haven't given it a proper reading. It was just a devouring. But it wasn't so fast a read through that I couldn't sense and feel the editor's hand ALL THROUGH IT. Cherryh mentioned that some copy editor had gone through, changing words, substituting others and worse. Considering the dynamics of linguistics in Cherryh's work (this particular work), changing words, even with seeming synonyms, changes A LOT, because certain words aren't used with certain languages, in order to make them distinct, even though they're both being represented in English. And there's more.

The rhythm was off; for the general narrative, for various characters ... voices were lost.

Now, Cherryh went through and had to rethink her word choices all again (whilst in the midst of working on a different book) and tried to correct things, and even sent an original, and an updated original. But I think she missed some things, or there was further confusion, because as she stated there'd been about an average of 8 corrections a page. And the editor never bothered to contact someone associated with her to find out if there was some aspect she was missing; cause popular, well published, long time published author, needed 8 corrections or more a page?

And then Cherryh had to scramble to adjust things in a couple of days.

So I'm left feeling oddly disappointed. Especially because I WAS able to read it so fast. Part of that, a lot of that, is given to excitement and having waited a whole month to get my hands on it (interlibrary, woot!). But I'm usually locked into deeper cultural meanings with this series - due to the word choices.

And it seems strange to say word choices can change so much. But it really, really, can. Especially when there's also repetitive phases and facts just gone wrong, that make instant sense as the hand of an out of it editor. Like thinking a 'young girl's very important big day/big celebration' would be a wedding, when it's the Atevi equivalent of a Quincentera and is thus a Birthday. Or repeatedly explaining what a term is.

Yes, I think that's it. This book talks down to the reader in terms of language, when Cherryh's prior works in the series never did.

And what makes this worse, is that this book, is ALL ABOUT political machinations. Which means tensions are only high, in terms of potential repercussions, possible misunderstandings, etc. Which only make sense if you're fully into the universe; which can only happen with the right language.

I really love court intrigue books, done well. They're not something I think I could write. As much as I enjoy reading it, trying to sort it all out in my head to write it seems, horribly confusing. So I admire people who can do that. But right now, this just seems oddly subpar and the most enjoyable bits were the domestic subplot revolving around Cajeri. And I'm shocked, because something detailing the interweaving of clans and politics, policies, histories, prejudices etc, is what I've really ENJOYED about the series; so a book primarily about that should have been more fulfilling. But it wasn't. I couldn't sink in.

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Willow
Date: 02:22PM | Sun, February 19th | 2012
Subject: This Is One Of Those Times When Being Me....
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated & oddly hurt frustrated & oddly hurt
Tags:wtf!!, wth?

Katawa Shoujo is a dating sim game, along the lines of Japanese style dating sim games (are there western versions? I don't know). But it's about a boy with a disability, coming to terms with it, and going to a school for kids with disabilities and all his dating choices have some sort of disability. I started playing it this morning. I think I just finished it. With the worse possible ending my first time through. Drunken falling off a roof. And I have no idea how that happened, or what led to that happening, or where there might have been choices to stop that happening. As far as I can tell, I made... 4 maybe 5 this or that choices the whole damn time I was playing. It was irking me, and pretty damn annoying, but I figured I was early into the game. Now I'm pondering if me thinking someone who has a heart attack as a teenager and needs time to adjust to life, and thus would take it slow his 1st damn week in a new school, was me thinking, y'know, realistically again and not following the needed tropes.

I'm beginning to hate tropes. At least in instances like this. Or rather I'm beginning to hate preformulated games. Here I was figuring the 'school festival' is probably where options would open up, a chance for the character to be more social. NOOOOOOOPE. The school festival is apparently the 'goal'. I remain bewildered. I'll play through again. The game is free, less irritation than my attempt to buy Zenerchi yesterday only to realize BigFish needs to put their programming all up in my computer and just ca't let me have JUST THE GAME.

But, irritated. Yes, there are LOADS AND LOADS AND OODLES of Japanese culture I don't get. Not being Japanese. And if this game was built along those lines then yes, many cues I'm not going to get. At the same time though? Aim for a gf in a week? Am I just... I'm being 'real brained' again? It's weird. It's weird to be someone who likes fictional universes so much, and the creaton of them and the possibilities of them, and somehow my brain is still 'too realistic' somehow. I can't even.

Can't. Even.

I still can't believe the game ended. I'm all 'WHAT?' Where were their choices to... WHAT?

I admit, I think I'm more upset at the thought that despite the subject matter, there's not much room for a character to grieve and recover as I had expected, somehow. No room for that as part of dealing with becoming disabled and healing and learning to live life differently.

And I know I get very VERY twitchy and upset and enraged at being told what my emotions, that anyone being told what their emotions SHOULD BE. Maybe I can't do scripted gaming because that's just too much for me. Maybe along with me going 'Why are there no queer and gay and trans people, why are they no black people, why are they no other ethnic minorities or their proper analogues, why are they no androgynous or genderqueer types, why is their no international diversity (but only varied aliens), I have a thing about - you're scripting emotions now that fit... WHAT? Your plan of SHOULDs?

Feeling what you feel, is what you feel. What you choose to do with that/those feelings, is also a choice. Sometimes that choice is quiet and hermitting and slower healing and poking your head out like a turtle at life. Othertimes it's other things depending on person.

I just - seriously?

And I didn't even get any options to look at any of the other activities. Ugh. But I'm still - really? Have a heart attack as a teenager - get a girlfriend in a week? Really?

I can't even. Can't. Even.

Seriously I should just give up on any non casual games. I just should. Emotional truth and arc is always going to be more important to me than the 1-2-3 plotting that gets done in these things. Emotional plotting doesn't seem to bloody exist! WTF?

WTA: Went back to my last save and realized that my last choice, despite wording, was more important than I thought. Still though. Ugh.'

More ETA: Continuing from the followed through choice, there's been more grieving and healing and stuff. So maybe I just SUCK at games, and what I think is natural (due to wording or whatever) isn't when it comes to choice making.

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Willow
Date: 04:58AM | Mon, January 23rd | 2012
Subject: Help - Ereader Device Is Tripping Out
Security: Public
Tags:kindle my kindle, wth?

I thought it might be a kindle problem, but I've seen hints it's a Calibre problem - I'm finding books on my kindle have multiple copies of themselves, all in the same file, resulting in a single book with 1000 or even 5000+ pages. Help! I've no idea WTF to do. And it would so. SO suck to have to restart to factory conditions and bloody well redownload everything all over again. Is that truly my only option? Is it calibre? Besides, how do I stop this happening again?

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Willow
Date: 09:15PM | Mon, January 2nd | 2012
Subject: AO3 Needs Author PM's
Security: Public
Mood:hungry hungry
Tags:wth?

I just got listed as the author of this work: Love Knows No Bounds. I didn't write it. I didn't help write it. I have no idea who wrote it. But I have an email telling me I'm a co-author and I took a screencap of me being able to access it, and before removing myself, I could have removed the entire work and more. I don't know who the author intended to co-credit, but I wished I could have contacted them and discussed it.

I could be having a multiple memory moment. But I'm usually pretty damn good remembering fic.

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Willow
Date: 10:52AM | Tue, September 27th | 2011
Subject: New Delicious! Full Of BORK & FAIL :(
Security: Public
Tags:internet_fail, wth?

I stopped using Delicious ages ago (back when it was Del.icio.us and the name was the most fun part to me). I found the user interface confusing; I didn't get the culture. Lots of stuff. When the mentions went 'round about the loss to fandom if one didn't transfer over one's account; I read the TOS and PP and flicked the switch. But I was so unused to Delicious - I didn't realize all my links were private and had been private and unused for YEARS. I have public lists for other things; but even though those accounts were transferred over to AVOS - I also haven't used them in YEARS. I used SIMPY. And then, without warning, without notice, SIMPY went away. And I said eff it, and started putting important things in my browser bookmarker or making old school lists on a note editor.

But Delicious did work for other people and worked well. In fact, part of the reason I gave a dam about 'fandom' losing link access, had less to do with 'fandom' and more with individuals. I remembered times I'd been sent info via Delicious. In memory of that, I switched over. Now it seems via this post by Renay@Dreamwith, that the new owners got Delicious even less than I did! I haven't even finished reading her criticisms, I plugged in the URL, went to take a look, and well, I find the interface even MORE confusing; and I admit even though I did my best to make a conscious decision; I feel duped. I feel like the whole point was for them to try and get consumer information out of me as an account holder and that's what they're hoping to get from future account holders; tracking tracking tracking. And who gives a damn about usibility.

I can't even FIND my tags. They're not under or over or near my links, they're not accessible via edit. And up to what I'd read at the link above, seems to hint they just said 'TO HELL WITH YOUR TAGS; Welcome to OUR STACKS - of which you can only have 10.

I'm not subscribed to anyone. I am ALWAYS subscribed to ZviLikesTv. At the very least. But, not anymore.

And there's images everywhere; or at least I think there are; I use RequestPolicy and don't give permission access lightly. What the heck do pictures have to do with a link library? There are already sites and systems for VISUAL libraries (links or no links).

Media Fandom, specifically visual media fandom really had a bedrock in Delicious; it was another way to fan. But even I knew there were computer and tech geeks there, authors in public and private personas, university research list with detailed tags and the like. Now there's... userpics. And some shadowy-fudgy stuff about pseuds.

I have a cup of tea for you Delicious users, really I do.

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Willow
Date: 02:07PM | Wed, September 7th | 2011
Subject: Rainy Wednesday
Security: Public
Tags:food + me, health: physical, shiny! i has it!, willow's warren, wth?

Had a bit of an outing with my landlady today. It was nice. The part where she stopped to grab a bite to eat was fraught though. She was feeling for Chick-fil-a. Even though I had the Kindle on me, I didn't think to check the menu online until we were in the drive-in line; mostly because I hadn't realized we were still going. I think I've forgotten what it is when people crave a food, since I have to ignore so many of my own. Originally it was a thing, but then I said I had foos issues and she said we'd figure out something special, but then we had to head back early, so we swung by... Anyway, I picked the cheese out of my salad, added some tortilla chips and some sauteed beef and made a thing. And I gave her the soup, cause it had noodles in it. In future, I check a menu before hand, or make sure I can see the menu. If I could have, I'd have noticed the soup had noodles, or seen if they had little GF signs up on different dishes. But live, learn, adapt.

I mean, I still ordered thousand island dressing on the spot, and then got home, tasted it and realized I needed to check ingredients. Sure enough - this emulsion had egg yolk. It's all taking some getting used to - but between today and Monday, I am beginning to feel like the biggest 'going out kill joy'. If I were more social, it's be all about inviting people to my home, where I CONTROL THE INGREDIENTS (the horizontal and the vertical). But I'm not. So that's not going to happen.

In other news, the great big 'OMGosh! Why is the ceiling leaking?!!!' Turns out, it wasn't the roof, and it wasn't the plumbing. It was the fact that despite our landlady buying the central air filter systems FOR US, the upstairs tenants hadn't changed theirs. So the system got backed up and filthy. Usually there's a cleaning twice a year. But we didn't get cleaned for summer, because the company switched areas. Anyway, the filter itself was filthy. I got shown it. I have a longhaired cat, and my own filter, changed every two to three months DOES NOT get as filthy as that was. That thing was FURRY. The fur had fur. And thus the upstairs system got clogged, things froze and leaked and it was a mess.

I keep boggling. She buys the filters FOR US. She'll buy most things for us we need if she can afford it or give it on loan, etc. So I'm seriously boggling. And I keep wondering if the difference is having actually lived with the landlady - in terms of her treating me like a housemate/roommate. Or if it's just about how the upstairs tenant is as a tenant.

But important news?! New box-cutter! It is yellow. Which is not as bright as orange. And not as pretty as red. But I like yellow. And it is in my little hands (so to speak).

ETA/PS: I also experimented with a smaller bag. I felt naked. I really did. It needs further study. And possibly a prettier bag.

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Willow
Date: 02:13PM | Tue, August 23rd | 2011
Subject: Because I'm a little too shook to do it physically.
Security: Public
Tags:the year: 2011, wth?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH **aftermath reaction running around flailing**. How in shock was I, just sitting there, watching things shake, completely disbelieving what was happening until I realized it kept going and going and going. Dear August, what beef have you got with me?

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Willow
Date: 04:39PM | Sat, June 25th | 2011
Subject: Some Letters
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, dream bits, wth?

Dear Mum,

Please don't call me at 8am, when I think my sibs are out of state, because you just 'Have a question to ask me'. It results in a moment of muscle clenching, all body pain panic. And 'Oh shit'. Email exists FOR A REASON. Waking me out of sleep, I'm not going to remember a damn word you say anyway, except the general gist. So send the email return receipt, or just ask me to email you back to let you know I got it.




Dear Body,

WTH?! This thorbbing back-pain depdending on how I set or lie down? It brings up issues. Yes, it does. Also since when was a -womb- a joint to be affected by barometric pressure?




Dear Brain,

WTH was that dream about? The woman from Sisters? And weird 'white woman vs black man' election shenanigans, but the two are secretly in a relationship WHAT? No that is not inspiration. That is me wondering if HBO can be a virus.

Sincerely, Me.

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Willow
Date: 03:31PM | Wed, June 15th | 2011
Subject: Note
Security: Public
Tags:note to self, wth?

2ESW27 - Deep Blue, 4 door. Loud noise; cussing out when discussing loud noise. And the lovely non-emergency police operator suggsted I just call, and didn't even get the plate number; because people will shot and hurt you - over their CARS. Y'know, my dislike of humanity just grows and grows.

This scares me. Growing older (more experience - does that mean wiser?) shouldn't make me dislike my fellow human beings MORE - should it? Was I really just naieve as a child, thinking rationality and sensibility would play out? Or is it cultural - like people who think talking softly and wanting compromise makes you weak - especially is one is male.

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Willow
Date: 09:53AM | Tue, May 10th | 2011
Subject: Arrrrhhhhgggghhh.
Security: Public
Mood:stressed stressed
Tags:ow, the year: 2011, wth?

In so much pain; back spasming like whoa. Just tried to order groceries and something went wrong. I think I clicked cash or something, cause the order went through without me putting in any credit card info or anything. So I'm all upset because OMGWTF. And I chose to have them delivered today, because I realized I could, instead of waiting until tomorrow (the new delivery guy is always late, that would mess up me attempting to get to therapy). And also, with my back spasming, I'm leaving the house - just barely - to be away from stressful angry woman. But not sure more moving around would be wise; should rest up and be horizontal.

Or maybe the spasming is from the stress of her being around? Don't know.

Seriously, this day is just....

Seriously.

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Willow
Date: 02:06AM | Sun, May 1st | 2011
Subject: ChikClick - Now Just What Have We Got Here, Wandering Onto My Property.....
Security: Public
Tags:my brains ain't what you think, wth?

Y'know - Y'know how I keep my journal unflocked and public mostly? Well I just realized it's unflocked and public and open in the abstract. Sort of like how a house is totally there, in public, on a street even. And people pass by and can totally look at it.

When people walk up to the gate, open it, come to the door and knock? Aka, when people I don't know comment on my journal - I have realized my reaction is very, very; duck and cover, peep, extend the telescope, check for bombs! Huh? What? What's that? How did they find us??! Who told?!! Wait, what now? Huh? Who the... bzuah? We have drawn attention - secure the perimeter! Sound the alarm! Whooooooop Whooooooop. Ahrrrnnnn Ahrrrrrrrn. Eeee Oooo Eee Ooo Eee Oooo. Poke it with a stick!

Blink Blink.

Sometimes my hermit-like misanthropic nature surprises even me.

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Willow
Date: 12:47AM | Thu, March 10th | 2011
Subject: A Day Of Highs and Minor Lows
Security: Public
Tags:birthday month, willow's warren, wtf!, wth?

More later about my wonderful pre-birthday, birthday. But I just got in to upstairs neighbour writing all over my mail again, and threatening to send 'return to sender on it' because she doesn't want to be 'responsible' for walking down the stairs (or sending her children to walk down the stairs) and passing me my mail. Or y'know, calling me to go up there and pick it up if it ends up in the wrong box. That on top of realizing I seriously don't like people and alrge swelling crowds bring out a little voice urging me to KILL KILL KILL (a la the Capitals vs Oilers hockey game in DC letting out a thronging burrbling mass of shove n push humanity) and then having to wait 1/2 hr in the rain for a bloody bus to get home - kind of GRRRS me.

So I'm going to go try to de-tress before bed and then write about my lovely, lovely day tomorrow. I am all grr, because she wrote on a letter from my aunt, sending me birthday wishes. Like she couldn't damn well write a note on a piece of paper? Now if I keep the evelope to save my aunt's letter, her passive-aggressiveness is all damn over it. When I thought she'd eventually show her true colours, I did not at all expect this (and some other stuff I'm not even gonna start with here).

**breathes**

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Willow
Date: 04:24PM | Sun, February 27th | 2011
Subject: Random Weirdness
Security: Public
Mood:weird weird
Tags:watching: tv, wth?

Hallmark Channel is having a Golden Girls marathon. And I find myself thinking, when was the last time there was a tv program about older women, women actually showing grey hair? And I check the year of the episodes and it's 1992. The 90's. Yesterday it was 'Empty Nest' - another older character with silver hair; a father. I can't remember if the family actually was Jewish or not. But once again, well, I find myself part bitter, half laughing at the thought of the 90' being 'my decade' because it allowed me to grow up seeing PoC on tv as main characters, along with women being more that decoration or sexual conqests, older women at that. Has there been something like Golden Girls since, with older women living their lives; dating and friendship and children and parents and the like?

On top of that online I found a commercial for a 'natural cosmetics' line. I think it's RAW something or other. There's a woman in front of a mirror who EATS her cosmetics. I saw this after reading an article about how cosmetics are often marketed like candy. And all I could see was a woman who was a slave to beauty, starving herself to look a certain way, brought to the point of eating something with no nutrients that tasted faintly of food she remembers once being able to eat. I couldn't finish watching it. It was just so damn sad.

I feel old and alienated, watching a society I can't stand that rushing backwards with all sorts of glee. More than likely the political climate is adding to the sensation of watching a merry-go-round go backwards while people get sick.

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Willow
Date: 02:00AM | Fri, February 4th | 2011
Subject: This Mercedes Lackey Thing Is...
Security: Public
Mood:pantslessness exposure shock pantslessness exposure shock
Tags:when privilege attacks, wtf!, wth?

While I never say "never," the likelihood of a transgendered lead characteris so slim as to be invisible. Here is why. I support myself with my writing; I do not have the luxury ofwriting books for special-interest audiences. In my limited experience, somuch of a transgendered person's life and thought is tied up in their genderdifficulties, the ordinary reader would swiftly become bored with such acharacter; even Vanyel's whinging grates on some peoples' nerves. A wideraudience wants to see a character with problems that are solvable; in amodern or sf context, a transgendered person could solve the situation withsurgery, genetic modification, body-swap, or whatever. Those options arenot available to a fantasy author.

As for minor characters, well...I already have used transgendered persons.Didn't you notice?



Emphasis Mine. Typos Hers. Source: Her own damn Q & A page on Valdemar. Via DBW and Rhivolution Tumblr.

---


Suddenly my experiences last year with a particular author and their HUFFING FLOUNCE OF DEAD SILENCE despite wanting to be CALLED ON SHIT - makes SO much sense. Birds of a feather and all that...

Also? Ain't it lovely how an individual's self admitted LIMITED EXPERIENCE is suddenly a world view? My that has to to be the CLASSIEST "everyone knows x is y about z" I have ever seen.

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Willow
Date: 03:36PM | Thu, February 3rd | 2011
Subject: You Know You've Been Hanging Around Anna aka Trouble In China JUST The RIGHT Amount Of Time...
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, anime: dislikes, wth?

When you're watching an anime and find yourself complaining about the portrayal of the wheelchair using character:

1) What? They gave her that old hospital creaker? This world has fricking 3D environments and she's in an uncomfortable creaker with the handles still on the back? Not even motorized?

2) And why are people pushing her around like she's got no mobility of her own. Yes she wheels (very uncoordinatedly) occasionally. But it's a lot of people going 'We go here now'. How RUDE and Inconsiderate no matter the circumstances.

3) How did they get that wheelchair, up to a SECOND FLOOR cafe. And how did they get her seated at a balcony table, but nothing is moved out of the way? They're really going to potentially sit a table behind her and trap her there or make that table get up when she has to move?

4) Put the woman in something BRIGHT for pete's sake! Why is her clothing for the big dramatic scenes, a farking grey dingy hospital gown thing with BUTTONS?

I can't even get into the wheelchair using woman semi abandoning her child due to illness, having a guilt complex about it, and STAYING AWAY LONGER. Cause y'know, ablism is like air. It's everywhere.

PS: I admit that the mother does admit she was wrong in the end, somewhat pitiful, she apologies and realizes that trying to shield her child from the 'awful awful truth' was pure BS and at least talking about stuff instead of running away would have been wiser. But I am still peeved about that wheelchair.

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Willow
Date: 07:00PM | Sat, January 15th | 2011
Subject: When Plots Make NO Sense
Security: Public
Tags:empowered female !not, tv, wth?

Flipping through the channels, looking for something mindless to watch, so I can enjoy more kitty cuddling, I come across ENCOUNTER WITH DANGER, starring Shannon Dougherty. Yay, says I. Since I like watching her act (Brenda & Prue will always be my favourites). Anyway, I realize it's LIFETIME MOVIE CHANNEL, but, whatever. Now when things first start happening in the movie, I'm noting all sorts of 'It's CANADA spelled like LOS ANGELOS, etc etc, and 'What kind of domicile is that, peeking through the windows it's an apt (with no blinds), but outside shots say it's a house - etc, etc... The usual snark. But then the plot happens, and I realize this ENTIRE PLOT is premised on a corrupt corporation expending energy to make it seem as if a man has never existed and his fiancé is crazy, rather than just having the man involved in a horrific, if freak accident and his fiance knowing he's dead and going home to live her own life.

Why would a corporation spend money and coerce everyone into denying this man's existence, denying his absence and a break-in into his fiance's room as relevant, having people who drove him, served him, etc, deny he exists. When he could just have gotten involved in a freak elevator accident, car accident (due to a drunk driver or something else), etc... Isn't it cheaper to set up an accident than go through the rigmarole of cancelling his credit cards, messing with his reservations, wiping him out of their employee database? Like WTF?

Now I'm trying to figure out if I want to watch more of this movie, wherein the premise seems to be 'EVERYONE THOUGHT SHE WAS CRAZY, BUT REALLY THEY WERE COVERING THE TRUTH' and how uncomfortable it makes me to watch a scenario set up (more than likely by men) to set a woman up as out of her mind and in need of minding. Because maybe if I finish watching it, there will be SOME reason, it couldn't just have been an horrid, unfortunate, corporate espionage accident.

But do I really want to do that to myself?

PS: Yes, he did give her something to hold, which might prove to be a major big deal at some point. But like, they can't kill him, then claim he was holding corporate property they want returned?

PPS: I admit, I also have a problem with Lifetime style stories where it's ALWAYS the woman is right, the man/world/whatever/whomever was messing with her. Because there are a couple of stories where it'd be enlightening if it were a movie about a woman battling mental illness and the husband/boyfriend plus other family dealing with it -rather than it being 'They were messing with my pills for my inheritance/cause they're sociopathic, whatever'. I mean, I know Lifetime = Crying In The Shower. But when did it become - women are ALWAYS right, no matter how out there things get? Is this Lifetime's version of a superhero?

ETA: Turned back from my Disaster Movie Marathon (wherein white teenagers do dumb shit_ to see they were keeping the fiance alive to get info from him (he'd stolen some). Apparently these bad guys never heard of medically induced comas and proper monitoring. **rolls eyes and sighs**

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Willow
Date: 12:40PM | Sat, January 15th | 2011
Subject: Cue Mournful Moan
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:energy level 2.5, health: physical, wth?

I do not know what's going on with me, since about... Thursday or so I've been ridiculously exhausted. I'm getting enough sleep, but waking up feeling tired in my muscles, joins and bones. It's flashing me back to 2010 BEFORE the improvements. Last night I forced myself to make the cultural supplement (sea moss) my mom had me taking when I was with her in 2010, and which I ran out of way back in Sept or Aug of 2010. I'd kind of been managing ok, though the thing with exhaustion, is sometimes you get too exhausted to make the stuff that keeps you from being exhausted in the first place. But last night I decided, even if I messed up the recipe, I was feeling too badly not to try and have some in the house and see if it helps. And here I am this morning, feeling like something sucked out all my blood and nutrients in the night.

So it's going to be a wait and see and to hell with whatever my blood tests will claim when I get to them before the newest doctor's appt for the year. But I realized, finally, it's better to feel better and argue with the doctor over why I feel better and what else I need for continued feeling better. Than it is to feel crappy and struggle to even get to the doctor while feeing crappy, just to prove a point. Of course now I'm hoping I've not waited too long to find the strength to make this supplement. Because sweet haberdashery - I feel wrung out and I loathe the feeling and it is also a scary feeling to find no strength in one's limbs, to find the action of walking and lifting and stretching to once again seem so immense a set of obstacles as to cause me to break out into tears just thinking about it.

ETA: This exhaustion may be related to orange juice I bought last week, and had this week. Now to research if orange juice really does thin the blood as my mother always said. Because it certainly helped with certain female concerns this month - even if the end result is this odd exhaustion.

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Willow
Date: 12:08PM | Sun, January 2nd | 2011
Subject: Dreamwidth :(
Security: Public
Mood:disappointed disappointed
Tags:.deewee, online: journaling systems, wtf!, wth?

I thought, hey for the new year let me change the page theme - I'm feeling for something brighter. My current OMShootSomething, is that apparently CSS adjustments don't save theme to theme. The link list saves and text saves, but not the CSS. And right now I can't remember the adjustments I'd done, so as not to see certain things on my friends page, etc. I even went back to check what I think is the version of 'Funky Circles' I was using before (I might try and check all versions, but I'm fairly certain I started off w/ Chocolate) But I'm already feeling drained due to the disappointment and dislike.

The other irk, is well, there aren't as many options as one would think. Just myriad recoloured version of the bases. Some of the colour combinations are truly awful to my eyes - which is why colour palettes to me, should be easy to use but all personalization on a -base- plain palette. And then many of the bases available are from branchandroot, who sticks in my mind as having said many things opposite DW's diversity statement.

And in the midst of the disappointment of the moment, I remember the DEC news; the big feature of 'reading lj posts (including locked) on DW, with DW as a kind of rss reader - BLOCKED. It's not going to happen. Apparently LJ would go 'oh hellz no' and stop ALL access allowed to DW on their servers.

And if I'm being told to use a desktop RSS feeder -anyway- and a desktop RSS feeder is what I -have- been using to keep track of people on LJ, it's not that much to add people from DW (even if I shall miss their icons). And I'll certainly not come across the naked and or other things I (personally) find disturbing if I'm using a desktop reader. Luckily I already know about digest=auth

So...

ETA: I may have found at least the basic code and feeds I'd wanted to block (not stuff I'd later added that was seriously racist and or mysognitic). But I only found it thanks to LJ-Archive and the ability to search my archives and easily read comment responses. Which just irks me all over again about DW not allowing me to save comments. Yeah, if it bothers me, let it go - the trend will continue. I think it saved me some serious high blood pressure and nose bleeds in 2010. No more people disappointing me by acting the way my instincts said they would.

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Willow
Date: 05:49PM | Fri, December 31st | 2010
Subject: Pinch On The Wallet & Some Extra
Security: Public
Tags:the year: 2010, things cost money, wth?

I'm trying to find every menu I've got from this one take-out place. They've seriously gone to pot as the year's progressed and tonight was the final straw. Order just slightly wrong enough to be annoying, and the food was also smaller and watery/tasteless. I understand cutting back because of the economy, but seriously, the money isn't growing bundled bills on the trees for me either! Though maybe I'll just throw them all out (slightly doubtful sometimes I need to know a thing is there) - cause even their pizza is getting skimpy. I just never expected the Indian Food to be all wrong. OMGoodness.

I'm trying not to think of it as $20 lost. It's just a semi expensive lesson in recognizing when a food place has FAILED - loyalty and memories be darned.

In other news: Is it normal for one's insurance company to be tracking card purchases so they can updated your covered items?

Now I think I'm going to crash in the next 40mins to an hour, and wake up in 2011. I've been juggling a lot emotionally and mentally (thus the exhaustion and need to order out instead of cook) and need the rest. I'll probably wake up before the West Coast feels 2011 and have a little toast or something then, maybe. If not I'm not sweating it. I woke up in New Year's as a child, I can do it again. Staying up, doesn't change the date.

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Willow
Date: 12:45PM | Sun, November 28th | 2010
Subject: More Thunderclaps via Mercedes Lackey
Security: Public
Tags:books, books of the past, wth?

STORM WARNING. So I'm reading it and feeling - bored - but it's again, one of the trilogy arcs I really like. And then I reach this place where I realize I'm being TOLD all about how one character feels about another, and about how things are. Told, not shown. And that the part that was boring me before was how much further telling, not showing, was going on.

The Obsidian Trilogy is still currently one of my favourites. But now I'm going to have to wonder, as I read, if I'm skipping a bunch of TOLD not SHOWN as well. I know that was the case with the second trilogy from those writers - along with a bunch of other things. Ugh. So much ugh.

Now I wonder who else has come to this conclusion about the told not shown re: Misty Lackey. And I wonder at what need did it fill in the past, that I missed it or forgave it. I find myself going - who wants to be TOLD that someone loves them, is surprised to love them, feels devoted to them. Wouldn't a person rather see this for themselves?

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Willow
Date: 08:51PM | Wed, November 24th | 2010
Subject: Gonna Have A Limp For Thanksgiving - So Let's Distract
Security: Public
Tags:comfort reading, question everything, wtf!, wth?

Off topic of my week of irky-itchy-brainfunky-crapola... Let's talk about Mercedes Lackey and a terrible, horrible episode I had this week. I think I may have outgrown her and it makes me want to pee my pants in terror. Or rather, that I may have outgrown the old books. You see, my favourite arc in the Valdemare series is the one concerning Talia. And, well, this time I read it and wanted to pull out my damn hair. (Also later on I'm going to talk about a SciFi Channel Movie w/ Joe Lando & Claudia Christian that was just horrible).

On the off chance someone hasn't read Arrows... )

And now the SCIFI Movie In case anyone dislikes being spoiled for one of those )

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Willow
Date: 03:19AM | Tue, November 23rd | 2010
Subject: What The Hell Am I Reading?
Security: Public
Tags:books, wth?

I am attempting to read Skinned by Robin Wasserman. I am on page 54. I am... conflicted. I am... confounded? Upset? Perturbed? Disturbed? I am something. I am doing a lot of wincing. The premise is; girl gets in accident, gets put in robot body. The synopsis is; and then friends reject her, there's trouble, blah blah. The problems I'm having start at genetic selection for children, with focus on blonde hair andf blue eyes for the protagonist and allusions to ancestral Nazi great x whatever grandpaprents. They slide further into ugh at Mecca and Jerusalem and nuclear warfare, the 'death of relgion' and now 'Faither's - who are stupid people who believe in G-d. And who also have a problem with people who've been downloaded into robot bodies because... G-d created man. Who created you. And well, I'm not feeling trust for this author I've never met before, who seems to be hinted at an all white world, with some non white surnames. Plus it's all feeling surface.

Is the Nazi mention meant to hint at something deeper or not? Is it the YA thing where all adults are idiots - that a counselor of some sort doesn't grok depression regarding trauma? And what Faith are 'Faithers', cause surely even if West Asia is all exploded, it didn't take ALL the Jews and ALL the Muslims, ALL the Arabs and ALL the Persians, ALL the Turks and everyone else from that region with that ancestry or those associations.

And while it's YA, 1st person pov, I don't trust that a similar case person in the story isn't being treated as the 'Good and cooperative cripple'. If so, is this the 1st person perspective of someone now handicapped, dealing with a world that doesn't believe in her right to exhist because it's not what they're used to? Is her detachment a grieving of what she's lost, without any help given on how to continue to live? Possibly in a society that's extremely phobic?

I'm kind of stuck about if it's about the symbolic death of a person who's severely injured, who continues to want to live their life and has to face a word that goes 'But what kind of life is that'?

Also, I supposed I may be havng a natural ambivilence of Americanized Highschool Social Jungle as THE LIFE.

Has anyone else read the book? Should I trust the author? Cause I'm not sure about the message that disability equals symbolic death equals a need to 'be with your own kind'.

ETA: 1 hr later -> And then there was angry robot hate make-out, more passionate than anything felt before. I am SO done.

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Willow
Date: 06:16AM | Sat, October 30th | 2010
Subject: Before I Forgot
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, question everything, the world: 2010, wtf!, wth?

I know I'm not doing that well, and perhaps the universe is trying to be compassionate, when my mother basically says in a conversation;

"There's this girl I know, who was in a serious relationship a few years ago, and then broke it and it was all sad. But I ran into her the other day and she's doing so much better blah blah blah and do you want me to give you her number?"

That's right. My mother, my mother, my mother, did a bit of a 'set you up with someone'. A someone who is female.

Yeah.

Munch on that.

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Willow
Date: 10:17PM | Sat, October 23rd | 2010
Subject: ... cannot be unseen
Security: Public
Tags:movies that suck, wth?

Looking up Astro Boy in Wikipedia, I have it confirmed it was not in the original that his creator/father was yet another neglectful father (see media for more examples) who learns the world's harshest lesson. I had difficulty watching a show where I was expected to feel something for the father who so postpones being a father, his son actually wanders somewhere dangerous in a desperate effort to spend more time with him.

This was on top of the creepiness, to me, of the high mucky mucky city being all white. Yes, the original Japanese creation would have had the city as all Japanese. But it goes back to perceptions and white as the perceived default that the english speaking remake has the powerful city, of all white people. Who of course have robotic slave labour, who aren't believed to equally measure up to oh so precious white human beings.

I stared at the screen with some shock.

I do not think, also, the movie meant to inspire thoughts of WTF at even a neglectful parent believing one child could substitute for another, for the subtext of Astro as a mulatto child picked up and groomed as a replacement who still isn't enough and more.

I mean I was just so in shock, I couldn't change the channel a bit. I was just sitting there going 'This can't be... what?' While the cat sniffed me trying to figure out why I was going all weird.

I mean the 'minstrel goofy show' that was the Robot Revolution.

And the...

Ok, yeah - I can't finish writing out my thoughts about attempting to watch the movie due to some inner childish belief it wouldn't get worse.

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Willow
Date: 05:57PM | Sun, September 12th | 2010
Subject: ??
Security: Public
Tags:online: journaling systems, wth?

So there are people on Dreamwidth reading my feed who are not Zvi, Inkstone, Trouble or Dhobikikutti? Do you people realize you've somehow subscribed to the feed? Was it an accident you don't know how to correct?

ETA: Oops, this was not meant to come across as a problem. Just that I was surprised to check my DREAMWIDTH feed last night and find more than a few people, some of whom I was not sure I know.

So while I knew in my head that some people were reading me via feed on LIVEJOURNAL. It was a bit of a surprise that some folk had found my little feed on DW. It's a feed, there's no notification that someone subscribed, heck there's no notification that someone had originally even set it up! And on iJay, community is small and it is harder to forget names.

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Willow
Date: 03:50AM | Sun, September 5th | 2010
Subject: Note To Self
Security: Public
Tags:online: culture, wth?

Never ever read 'Dear Prudence'.

Sure, the advice to the dude who had an affair while on Ambien (sleep screwing) was kind of iffy, but you thought, hey, it's an iffy situation and he's certain his wife wouldn't understand or believe him - even though 'Prudence' mentions there's documentation all over to prove his point.

But the advice to the stepmother? OMFG. It's the father who's telling his new wife 'They'll be out of our hair in one year, and then a few more for the youngest' about his daughters. It's the father who's not allowing his wife to co-parent. But the WIFE is the selfish bitch for thinking her step-daughters should pick up after themselves and be respectful to her? This makes her an evil step-mother?

And her inability to have children, and her making peace with that because she's come to the conclusion the man she married isn't the best father - THAT makes her movie villianous and a Harridan?

Seriously?

Ok, I don't get the impulse to ask a stranger for help (vs trying to find a support network face to face or online). But geeze. Someone gets paid to write this bullshit?

Ugh.

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Willow
Date: 01:10AM | Sat, September 4th | 2010
Subject: Repost of a Comment + More Thoughts | Re: The End Of Vox
Security: Public
Mood:creeped out creeped out
Tags:#social justice issues, consumer culture everywhere, wth?

I wish I was more knowledgeable - because I'm in no place to go do research as if making a big article. But this whole thing tickles something in my mind about the move from actual manufacturing to the service industry, combined with thoughts on homesteading and real estate.

How does the move from facilitating people having their own space on the web (for their thoughts, to interact with family, whatever, but it's their interweb real estate) to... helping advertise on said real estate (which apparently no one wants to carve out, maintain and sell anymore) - how is that supposed to make money?

The internet is the ultimate undiscovered country. It never ends. There's enough for everyone, just buy a server and offer space with a service.

But... I... huh?!

Isn't there supposed to be innovative services to attract people to WANT to have their own space on the web? Isn't that the excitement in social media? That the internet is more than a bully pulpit, it's community (which wasn't news for many communities already on the web, but whatever).

And Video Egg? Seriously? 6apart will be merging with Video Egg? Going from 'Claim your own space, create your own community' transformed into 'We will build it, in order to tempt and hopefully trap your eyeballs. We will groom you to want what our investors say you want'

Advertising Driven Consumer Culture is fricking facist, yo. And destructive to the fabric of life.

**shudders**

I'm just having nightmares of a world of Feed + 1984 (aka the Fox News Empire) + Harrison Bergeron.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016