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| 2009-11-27 20:36 |
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That anxiety this morning? Knocked me out for the -whole- day. Now to see if I have a brain for food making.
ETA: On the one hand, I want to go 'I have trauma from shopping?!!' and then y'know, I remember my child & teenhood.
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News courtesy of Viridian5 - Lyrica causes SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
My uneasiness at the casual prescription the first time the doctor suggested it, had me greatful it was getting the long approval process from my insurance. Then this second time she brought it up all 'Oh sciatica and nerve damage are helped by it' - uneasiness made me not pick it up.
Come my next appointment there is going to be a LOOOONG ass conversation and possibly me shopping around for a new doctor. Old therapist reccomendation or not. Cause WTF? I even asked her to list the side effects. She pulled her her little digital pharma guide and said 'Sleepiness'.
So that shit needs updating and she needs talking to for NOT updating it and MORE.
Shit. Not trusting a doctor means I'm less likely to go to appointments. Shit shit double shit.
Maybe I won't even wait till our next appointment. I might just leave her a voicemail or hand deliver a very pissed off letter.
G'damn 2009. I am so done.
PS/ETA: My uneasiness btw came from online research of the product where suicidal thoughts did not come up, but other side effects did. I took my doctor's claim of 'sleepiness' as her saying 'the major side effect' -- I... yeah, still too angry.
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| 2009-11-12 10:57 |
| Badword Badword Badword, Badwording the McWord Badword. |
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Who sent me the link for this bit of tremendous multitasking fail? I finally got around to reading the comment at the bottom - because it took me a while to read the post on top. And good gravy maisy - it seriously makes me want to cuss.
I am also refusing to click the trans fail links. And the intersectinality sucks links. Basically all the 'feminist' links.
White Cis Het Feminists - Are Bad People.
That's my new rule.
Bad People Make My Blood Pressure Rise.
So Willow No Lookie.
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| 2009-10-23 10:45 |
| Willow Observes That Entitlement Is A Tricky/Sticky Trap |
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| i hate people, wth? |
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When someone calling themselves a feminist uses the terms: evil cunt, Evil Stepmother, etc... to describe how they think other individuals are seeing or treating them - for me at least, it makes it plain that they have an agenda in representation. Mainly they want the other party to be associated with negative words and phrases because they believe the other party to be negative and nothing will change their mind.
It is also difficult for me to see the difference between someone using those terms to describe themselves and someone using the terms; racist and KKK member to describe themselves when having an argument with someone of colour about racism:
I am not the racist you paint me to be, I just subscribe to this point of view and believe I was treated to 'reverse discrimination'. It is also difficult to believe they aren't enjoying the fight when they start to attack an individual's style of writing and how they phrase their thoughts. In my case it has led me to second guess why an individual has been treated certain ways by others. I do not know that there is any further dimension, currently private, about the situation that will change my opinion about one particular older white feminist being a jerk.
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Hybrid Cars May Add Car Tones.
As someone who finds most vehicles far too loud, the thought of silent/quiet cars enthuses me. And now I learn that people think that's a problem. And rather than spurring new auto-safety protocols, movies, ads, promotion etc, they're going to add car sounds on the quiet cars.
So apparently the hearing community can't learn anything from the deaf community about how to relate to traffic. They need fake engine sounds. And there's even talk about personalized car tones, like ring tones.
Another - for the sake of the general population - idea that makes me feel more and more alien in my rejection of it.
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Fines for 'disorderly conduct in school'. Fines? Tickets? First people get tickets for being 5 minutes tardy on the way to school in California to the point where parents keep their kids home if there's any possibility they'll be late. And now tickets in school? This is how counties/states are handling the recession or what? Is this just a Texas thing?
How out of it am I since I'm avoiding a lot of the news? What the heck else is going on out there in American-land?
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Damnit. Everytime I try to peek out at the world, all I see is crap spiraling down a blackhole. I don't want to be uninformed about my environment but it is bloody depressing. Even the uplifting stuff is depressing, because it's usually about how one individual has managed to overcome some tentacle of the crap monster.
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Are you for real?
No seriously, that letter you sent that was full of "I'm a good white person" - is it for real? Since when do you give a fuck what my opinion of you might be? But since I highly doubt anything I say about your continued pattern of behavior will change that behavior; No, I do not want to have a conversation with you about your broken record.
There, you've been lashed. Proceed with your orgasmic self wanking now.
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Yeah, woke up out of a, possibly the correct term should be nightmare - my heart was beating faster - though these days I call them mere bad dreams. In the dream I was watching a group of highschool students get turned away from the front door once the clock struck nine, even though they'd been in line to get into the school for quite some time. Of the three double doors on the front of the building, only two halfs were opened. Students were being patted down, wanded and having their id's checked. The process was long. There was only one guard each at the half doors, with a secondary guard, each, as backup. And even if it wasn't unreasonable to expect students to show up at 6 and 7 in the morning, when school didn't start until 9 - the guards didn't arrive and open the doors until 8am anyway.
The turned away students were encouraged to try and get home before a truant officer caught them and reported them. Too many truant reports and a student could get suspended. So the left behind students were frantically scattering as if someone had just thrown tear gas. Meanwhile there was a second option, but it involved being lead under a bridge to a room there - I can't remember if it was an official type waiting room that was just in a run down place. Or if it was a room that those who were turned away simply knew about - where they could stay all day and not be marked truant.
( There is abuse of power involved in the rest that might be triggering. Also in the dream I get pissed. )
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Did I ever journal the time, this year in fact I think, I tried to re-read Jennifer Roberson's 'The Cheysuli Chronicles' and ended up going 'OMG WTBF '? Cause that totally happened. I'm staring at the list of books in the series now and I'm going to happily delete and move on. Wow - back in the day when an impressionable wee Willow brain didn't notice the whole 'He rapes because he loves' - Or maybe I did notice it, but somehow kept reading.
ETA: Oh LJ-Archive, I love you so. Curious Willow Wonders followed by Curious Willow Discovers (and goes WTF). Also I apparently have a 'books of the past' tag. Weird.
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Staring at a list of authors, contemplating who I might want to collect this week - should I attempt an excursion out of the house (right now falling down seems probable) and I'm hit with a tight knot of anxiety panic in my stomach and the urge to curl up in a ball and cry. If this is a stronger aversion to speculative fiction brought about by non-stop racefail then - ow.
Seriously - ow.
It's freaky as hell to find myself in panic and near tears at the thought of reading something. And I seemed fine this past weekend. Last week I collected another Shannon Hale book, got the unexpected surprise that it was a graphic novel and polished it off despite everything else going on. It was enjoyable too. There were black people, latinos and indigenous natives in her fantasy wild west. (Eat that, P. Wrede). And wow, a really nicely done fairy tale retelling.
I can even turn around and look at the book on the top of the bookcase and go 'Would read again'. So why panic now? Has 2009 been one long session of aversion therapy? Should I feel lucky that certain Mercedes Lackey books still make me feel like hugging them to my chest like a stuffed animal?
Am I just afraid to read anyone new because I don't know how much fail they have dangling from their butt?
...
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A while ago, maybe a month ago, I read a post on someone's journal about how they have no patience for people who can't own their shit, pick up their feet and walk towards helping themselves. And I thought the speaker was kind of harsh - not wrong necessarily, but kind of harsh. I wondered about my own feelings and put the thoughts on the back burner.
Today, for the third time for the year, a loadstone around the neck of one of my best friends, began his 'no one loves me, you're not a real friend, blah blah, my life is so hard, blah blah' lashout.
I snapped and started typing things. And when I looked at it, I realized I'm JUST as hard and harsh as the person I'd read earlier. I have no fucking patience for people playing sob stories. You cannot shock me with tales of your horrific past, because you are not the only one in the world who's been through some terrifying shit. Survivors often get into a minimizing mindset, and I know I definitely do. But nothing pisses me off more than someone going 'there are all these things in my life that prevent me from living decently' as if the sheer horror should cripple their friends into giving them a total free pass to be utter crusty, filthy asswipes. Because OMG their friends should feel guilty for having better lives / having safer lives / having less opportunities for pain.
That might work on individuals in shock that one human being could do something horrible (as described) to another human being - particularly a child. But that shit will not work ON ME. I can match your ass, horror story for fucking horror story. And if we are friends with the same individual, I will note that she doesn't know half as much about my past as she knows about yours, because I have no need for sympathy to develop our friendship. I don't try to jerk and play her emotions like a harpist virtuoso. And I will resent the punkass who tries.
So, apparently, I can handle someone saying - there's only one person I'm able to trust right now. But I cannot handle someone not listening to that trusted person trying to help them, because they want to wrap themselves in a selfish blanket of 'personal pain'. Lashing out does not show me how deeply damaged you are. It only shows me how immature you are and how deeply focused you are on wanking your wounds. And it's not because I never lashed out at anyone in my life. Four legs, to two legs and currently 3 legs (far too soon) is a facet of human life. But I grew up and out of that. Moreover, whatever stage that was, I never thought my own pain was more important than the feelings of other people. (which was actually a bit of a problem boundarywise). But I know people can learn and grow and adjust.
So I've surprised myself to realize I do believe that people need to own their own shit - even when they're not quite sure what's in all the luggage. Own it, admit you need help and go about trying to get some. And do not give me a sob story about how said help violated your trust. If you can realize your trust has been violated, if you can feel unsafe and recognize it, leave that 'help' situation and find something healthier (ask that one trusted person in your life for perspective if you have to).
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Dear Mr. Man In The Blue Car,
Why you acting so surprised that your music is LOUD? You know it's loud. When I came up to ask you to turn it down - you had to automatically turn it down just to hear what I had to say. Why is it so surprising that 'Oh, you can hear it in your house?' Why yes, loud music extends beyond the speakers right in front of you. Sound waves travel. Come on now, you don't even need to go to highschool to know this stuff. It's applied physics. Unless playing all that loud music all the time has damaged your hearing and you have no concept of loudness anymore.
Either way, no, I do not want an impromptu M.Jackson concert coming in through my closed bedroom window and waking myself up. You won't be getting any money from me and yes, you should feel hell of guilty you made the woman with the cane limp her self out to your car, parked across the damn street, to tell you to SHUT YOUR NOISE UP.
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Dear ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) liviapenn,
I keep waiting to see a post from you apologizing for that whole thing where you acted like an asshole in regards individuals with triggers. I haven't seen anything yet from your journal. Is it your intention to go down (in history/fan history/my mind/the minds of those people you offended) as BEING an ASSHOLE?
-Willow
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Is now using Paypal for grocery orders. I could handle them no longer accepting checks. But using Paypal just makes my skin crawl. I'm going to have to add that on things my brains needs to process this month. Eff damn. Even more skin crawly? Where before the old service charged and -held- an estimated amount that then went through when the order was rung up - Paypal needs them to hold an EXTRA 32$ from me, because 'prices are estimated'.
WTF and Ugh.
ETA: The plus of being a long time customer means that I just got a phone-call asking me if I was unhappy with having to use paypal (mostly because I forgot to take out 'paying by check' from my order, instructions from an old order). Anyway, I've been given the option to have my card on file instead. And I'll do it with the limited card and solve the ick of paypal. Especially that extra 32$. Lots of regulars apparently went WTF? Though apparently a new customer did bogus card info for a 2k catering order. Which was the last straw in the old setup. Though I'd think the solution would be to test the card and ring up a 1cent hold. But whatever.
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I'm sure ficsafezone is extremely well intended. But reading the community's profile left me uneasy/pissed off/cold.
I recognize that what set me off might not set anyone else off. That said - Fuck!. We're survivors not victims.
I'm a survivor, not a victim and I sure as hell don't appreciate the formation of group effing therapy, unliscenced and unmoderated in my hobby. I am not going to stick a patch on my forehead that says 'Abuse Survivor' so it becomes the first word/phrase that defines me sense of self. Joining a community and listing the things that send me curling into a ball and hugging a stuffed animal, so someone can judge if my pastime is safe enough for me?
( Screw You - It's Easier To Leave )
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| 2009-06-24 21:13 |
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| wth? |
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Wait. Wait a minute.
Did someone just
A) Report Metafandom to LJ Abuse claiming they were linked there as part of a conspiracy of harassment?
B) Report trigger_fence to LJ Abuse as another 'harassing' journal, because TF wants to list authors who don't warn so fandom is a safer place for others?
Someone involved in this trigger debate could be described as an over-reacting, white woman tears plying, oversensitive and quite possibly out of touch individual. And it's not one of the people who are pro-warnings.
Unholy Frickings, this shit is large and everywhere and difficult to avoid but also full of the egotistically impaired.
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I just realized that yeloson has actually been updating. I just haven't been getting it in my feeds. Just like I haven't been getting any comments mailed to me.
*waits for people to start xposting*
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It is seriously depressing how difficult it is to send a PM to someone on iJay. Where the hell am I supposed to go? I go to their profile and look for a button. But there's no button or link there. I go to my inbox but I can't tell how to send a message, I only see how read comments made on my journal.
Mouse hover to access on DeeWee seriously, seriously, makes a world of difference. At the moment the ease of communication is making me think xposting everything might be worth it and people will figure out on their own how to avoid seeing the same post twice.
Can you tell I don't want to give up my iJay? Or my iJay flist?
But things just working in DeeWee is a powerful, powerful draw. (It's like some crazy merger world of Nike's JUST DO IT and Obama's YES WE CAN, over there)
Tangentially related: THIS is office wear where I come from. So is this. This is my culture.
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annoyed
ugh
irate